IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#women #men #strengths #weaknesses #right #males #females #professions #gender
Males and females are often considered as having
contrast
Correct article usage
a contrast
show examples
 of strengths and weaknesses. In my opinion, it is right to reject males or females from some professions
due to
 their
gender
. Occupations prefer a different type of requirement
such
 as
power
Add an article
the power
a power
show examples
 of work that can answer what
gender
 must be. On one hand, the dominant characteristics of
men
 are strong and good for
decisions making
Correct your spelling
decision-making
show examples
due to
 the physical of the
gender
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
with
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
big
Add a missing verb
has big
show examples
 muscles and
logical
Correct article usage
a logical
show examples
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
.
For example
, 90% of the labour in Chinese industry is
men
 who work hard and are
discipline
Wrong verb form
disciplined
show examples
 in
rule
Add an article
the rule
a rule
show examples
.
In addition
,
Men
 like to work in
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 because it is enjoyable to talk and cooperate who
basic
Correct article usage
a basic
show examples
 mindset
similarly
. The
present
Replace the word
presence
show examples
 of
gender
 in the military which is law enforcement for controlling the
ares
Correct your spelling
areas
 that need
commanded
Change the verb form
to be commanded
commanding
show examples
 and responded
always
Change preposition
to always
show examples
men
.
On the other hand
,
Women
 are perfect at detailing and negotiation.
Worker
Fix the agreement mistake
Workers
show examples
 in the world clothing industry need
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 can see the details of
clothing
Correct article usage
the clothing
show examples
 process
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
prefer designing
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and
also
 can deal
every
Change preposition
with every
show examples
 hade of section for
success
Add an article
the success
show examples
 of
project
Add an article
the project
a project
show examples
.
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Most
leader
Fix the agreement mistake
leaders
show examples
 of clothing
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
show examples
 must be
women
.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
women
 can think
out
Change preposition
outside
show examples
 of the box that required by fashion industry
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
To conclude
,
Men
 are stronger
while
women
 are
Correct quantifier usage
more detailer
show examples
detailer
Correct your spelling
detailed
show examples
. So, that’s why different
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 belong
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 different jobs. Which is the best benefit
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
person
Add an article
the person
show examples
 and
also
organization
Correct article usage
the organization
show examples
 to put the right man to the right job.
Submitted by amittawin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay provides a clear opinion but needs more balance in discussing both sides of the argument. Addressing counter-arguments can improve the completeness of your response.
task achievement
Some points lack depth in explanation. For instance, provide more detailed reasoning and more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. This will enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Improve the grammatical range and accuracy. There are some noticeable errors that might confuse readers or detract from the clarity of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and clearly outline the main argument of the essay.
task achievement
You provide some relevant examples to support your points, which is good.
task achievement
The essay covers both male and female strengths and provides some rationale for why certain genders might be excluded from specific professions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: