IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Shop should not be allowed to sell any food or drinks that have been scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Recently, there has been a widespread controversy about whether
shops
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 should prevent selling
drinks
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 and food that have
scientifically
Add a missing verb
been scientifically
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 proven to be harmful to people's
health
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. I personally believe that I agree with
this
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 opinion, as these
drinks
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 can negatively affect both individuals and society.
Initially
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, these types of
drinks
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 or foods can be easily consumed by teenagers and kids, which will result in dangerous outcomes.
This
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 is because local
shops
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 are very accessible and loved by youngsters, which will
make
Verb problem
allow
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 them
allowed
Verb problem
apply
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to consume unhealthy foods and
drinks
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 that their bodies can't absorb.
Consequently
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, they are more likely to develop serious
health
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 conditions. To illustrate, recent research has shown that young adults are experiencing poor
health
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 and
health
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 issues,
such
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 as diabetes and heart problems,
due to
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 regular intake of powerful and damaging beverages.
Furthermore
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, some types of beverages can lead adults to addiction problems.
This
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 is because these
drinks
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 can contain various chemical properties that affect people differently.
Moreover
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, they often get addicted to these strong substances after consuming them repeatedly.
For instance
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, researchers have discovered that a lot of people have shown signs of addiction to certain
drinks
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 that local
shops
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 sell
as a result
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 of high levels of certain substances that can trigger addictive behaviours.
To sum up
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, I personally encourage the idea of restricting
shops
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 from selling bad foods and
drinks
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. Because children and teenagers' consumption will develop poor
health
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.
Also
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, harmful chemicals may expose adults to addiction problems
due to
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 easy access to
such
Linking Words
 products.

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Task Achievement
Consider including a counterargument, as it would enhance the depth of your analysis and show understanding of the complexity of the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of the essay; for instance, you could use phrases like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' to connect ideas more explicitly.
Coherence and Cohesion
In your conclusion, avoid starting with 'To sum up' and summarize your main points with a more engaging closing statement to leave a stronger impression on the reader.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task by expressing a clear opinion and providing reasons to support it.
Task Achievement
The examples used are relevant and illustrate your points well, particularly the references to health issues among young adults and addiction problems.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • regulating
  • prohibition
  • public health
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • economic implications
  • stringent regulations
  • nutritious
  • outright bans
  • advertising
  • environmental impact
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