The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. In an effort to deal with a health issue involved, some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduced more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum

The sheer cost of health issues

due to

obesity has been becoming a widely-concern matter for nations stifling economic growth.

This

according to

some individuals, could be addressed by the allocation of more school

times

Fix the agreement mistake

time

show examples

to physical

activities

. It seems to me that

this

might be the solution, and I will explain why in

this

essay.

Firstly

, the merits of physically active pupils could be significant in the long run. By

this

, we mean that

taking

Change preposition

by taking

show examples

more sports courses

Change preposition

apply

show examples

youngsters can gradually improve not only their body shapes but

also

their minds as it is frequently said that a healthy body equals a healthy mind.

This

could contribute to their triumph in their studies

thus

better appearance and position in the future. A good case in point is an experiment being done over 10 years in France where extra sports hours have been implemented in some educational institutions. The results demonstrate that the young ones studying in these places are healthier and more successful than their peers. A second factor is children's impact on their parents. It is undeniable that adults having sporty kids have more tendency to accompany their

beloved

Correct your spelling

loved

show examples

ones.

This

leads them to more outdoor

activities

thus

fitter

Correct article usage

a fitter

show examples

body.

This

would bring about a healthier society causing less pressure on

health

Add an article

the health

show examples

system. Admittedly, I agree with those who argue that the dedication of more teaching

times

Fix the agreement mistake

time

show examples

to sports

activities

could stray students from their major path which is learning important lessons

such

as mathematics and literature.

However

this

could be tackled by taking suitable measures meaning that principles should allocate after class hours to physical

activities

with promising rewards in order to encourage youngsters to participate. To summarize,

this

is not to say that the introduction of more physical

activities

in schools is the only way to solve overweighting consequences. But it seems reasonable to prevent

such

issues from

early

Correct article usage

an early

show examples

ages

Fix the agreement mistake

age

show examples

However

, proper practices should be adopted to prevent possible adverse effects on pupils' educations.

Submitted by h.safaralizade on Wed Jun 19 2024

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task achievement

Ensure that all arguments are fully developed with clear examples and explanations. This will provide more depth to your essay.

coherence and cohesion

Improve sentence structure and grammar for smoother and clearer communication of ideas. Some sentences were awkwardly phrased and can be improved for better coherence.

coherence and cohesion

The essay has a clear and logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.

task achievement

You provided relevant and specific examples, such as the case study in France, to support your points. This strengthens your arguments and shows a good understanding of the topic.

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

329 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 8.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

obesity rates
health care system
physical education
instill
long term
raise awareness
healthier lifestyle choices
nutritional education
active transport
quality of instruction
facilities and equipment
diet control initiatives
community sports programs

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Some people say that what children is their behaviour. other leave the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut subjects such as arts and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on subject such as information and technology. To what extend do you agree?

In many towns and cities,large shopping malls are replacing small local shops.Do you this is a positive development?Give your reasons and examples.

Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are those problems and how could they be reduced?

Some people are of the opinion that children should be rewarded for good behaviour. Others think they should be punished for bad behavior. Discuss both views and give your personal opinion and reasons.