More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, many
children
in the first-world nations are becoming obese. This
is a great drawback in wealth
nations. Replace the word
wealthy
This
essay will state causes
and effects of Correct article usage
the causes
this
drawback.
Firstly
, it is believed that many people perish because of lack
of Correct article usage
a lack
knowledge
. Many parents
donot
have the Correct your spelling
do not
don't
knowledge
about good nutrient
and Replace the word
nutrition
diet
, hence
, they give their children
any kind of foods
leading them to Fix the agreement mistake
food
being
obese. Verb problem
become
In addition
, some actually believe that children
should eat as much as they want. For example
, in other families, children
can eat anything and
at Correct word choice
apply
time
. If a Correct quantifier usage
any time
children
wants to eat chicken in the morning, afternoon and evening, they are not restricted to do so. They believe an eating child is a healthy one. Change the noun form
child
Thus
, it is not that children
become obesity
because of no Replace the word
obese
knowledge
or teachings from the
Change the word
their
parents
.
Secondly
, some children
come from parents
who may have taught them about diet
, but because, parents
do not spend the whole day with their little one, they do not know what they eat the whole day. In most cases, the same kids eat junk foods
, sweets, and fatty foods
which cause them to be overweight. For instance
, teenagers love hot fries and chicken and so they always buy such
foods
every day after school before they arrive home. Moreso, the
spoil themselves with sweet things like fizzy drinks, chocolates and all unnecessary Correct your spelling
they
foods
that are not good for their diet
. Thus
, it can be noted that children
eat whatever they like, being foods
that are caused
obesity.
The government should ensure that Wrong verb form
cause
parents
are taught about healthy eating habits, diet
and nutrition
and they in turn should teach their children
. They should also
eat well balanced
diets with them so that they understand more about Add a hyphen
well-balanced
diet
and nutrition
. Schools should also
educate student
about Fix the agreement mistake
students
same
.
Correct article usage
the same
To conclude
, it is a cause of concern and a huge problem that more youngsters in wealthy nations are overweight. Some of the causes are that parents
lack knowledge
about nutrition
and diet
and that children
eat whatever they like in their schools hence
they become obese. The government and schools should ensure that parents
and children
are taught about nutrition
and diet
to avoid overweight
.Add a missing verb
being overweight
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task achievement
The essay addresses the task and discusses relevant causes and effects of children becoming overweight in developed countries. However, it could benefit from more explicit and varied examples to strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of the essay is clear overall, there are a few confusing sentences that affect the flow: 'Thus, it is not that children become obesity because of no knowledge or teachings from the parents.' This sentence is unclear and disrupts the coherence of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from better transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Phrases such as 'On the other hand' or 'Moreover' could help improve the cohesion between different sections.
language
There are a few grammatical and lexical errors, such as 'donot' instead of 'do not' and 'perish' instead of 'suffer.' Attention to these details will improve the clarity of your writing.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical introduction and conclusion, clearly stating the topic and summarizing key points.
task achievement
The writer addresses both causes and effects of the problem, which meets the task requirements.
task achievement
The essay attempts to provide reasoning and examples, demonstrating an understanding of the task.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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