More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, many
children
in the first-world nations are becoming obese. Use synonyms
This
is a great drawback in Linking Words
wealth
nations. Replace the word
wealthy
This
essay will state Linking Words
causes
and effects of Correct article usage
the causes
this
drawback.
Linking Words
Firstly
, it is believed that many people perish because of Linking Words
lack
of Correct article usage
a lack
knowledge
. Many Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
donot
have the Correct your spelling
do not
don't
knowledge
about good Use synonyms
nutrient
and Replace the word
nutrition
diet
, Use synonyms
hence
, they give their Linking Words
children
any kind of Use synonyms
Use synonyms
foods
leading them to Fix the agreement mistake
food
being
obese. Verb problem
become
In addition
, some actually believe that Linking Words
children
should eat as much as they want. Use synonyms
For example
, in other families, Linking Words
children
can eat anything Use synonyms
and
at Correct word choice
apply
time
. If a Correct quantifier usage
any time
Use synonyms
children
wants to eat chicken in the morning, afternoon and evening, they are not restricted to do so. They believe an eating child is a healthy one. Change the noun form
child
Thus
, it is not that Linking Words
children
become Use synonyms
obesity
because of no Replace the word
obese
knowledge
or teachings from Use synonyms
the
Change the word
their
parents
.
Use synonyms
Secondly
, some Linking Words
children
come from Use synonyms
parents
who may have taught them about Use synonyms
diet
, but because, Use synonyms
parents
do not spend the whole day with their little one, they do not know what they eat the whole day. In most cases, the same kids eat junk Use synonyms
foods
, sweets, and fatty Use synonyms
foods
which cause them to be overweight. Use synonyms
For instance
, teenagers love hot fries and chicken and so they always buy Linking Words
such
Linking Words
foods
every day after school before they arrive home. Moreso, Use synonyms
the
spoil themselves with sweet things like fizzy drinks, chocolates and all unnecessary Correct your spelling
they
foods
that are not good for their Use synonyms
diet
. Use synonyms
Thus
, it can be noted that Linking Words
children
eat whatever they like, being Use synonyms
foods
that Use synonyms
are caused
obesity.
The government should ensure that Wrong verb form
cause
parents
are taught about healthy eating habits, Use synonyms
diet
and Use synonyms
nutrition
and they in turn should teach their Use synonyms
children
. They should Use synonyms
also
eat Linking Words
well balanced
diets with them so that they understand more about Add a hyphen
well-balanced
diet
and Use synonyms
nutrition
. Schools should Use synonyms
also
educate Linking Words
student
about Fix the agreement mistake
students
same
.
Correct article usage
the same
To conclude
, it is a cause of concern and a huge problem that more youngsters in wealthy nations are overweight. Some of the causes are that Linking Words
parents
lack Use synonyms
knowledge
about Use synonyms
nutrition
and Use synonyms
diet
and that Use synonyms
children
eat whatever they like in their schools Use synonyms
hence
they become obese. The government and schools should ensure that Linking Words
parents
and Use synonyms
children
are taught about Use synonyms
nutrition
and Use synonyms
diet
to avoid Use synonyms
overweight
.Add a missing verb
being overweight
Submitted by pncubeterera on
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task achievement
The essay addresses the task and discusses relevant causes and effects of children becoming overweight in developed countries. However, it could benefit from more explicit and varied examples to strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of the essay is clear overall, there are a few confusing sentences that affect the flow: 'Thus, it is not that children become obesity because of no knowledge or teachings from the parents.' This sentence is unclear and disrupts the coherence of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from better transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Phrases such as 'On the other hand' or 'Moreover' could help improve the cohesion between different sections.
language
There are a few grammatical and lexical errors, such as 'donot' instead of 'do not' and 'perish' instead of 'suffer.' Attention to these details will improve the clarity of your writing.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical introduction and conclusion, clearly stating the topic and summarizing key points.
task achievement
The writer addresses both causes and effects of the problem, which meets the task requirements.
task achievement
The essay attempts to provide reasoning and examples, demonstrating an understanding of the task.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example