IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. To what extent should children follow rules?

#countries #children #rules #behavior
Children
 are the beautiful creation of god and parents are the gardeners. Their upbringing is enjoyable and challenging. They are like clay which requires mending and molding efficiently. Some people believe that they should be brought up under discipline and stringent
rules
 and regulations
while
 others think freedom should be given to them. The extent to which
children
 have to follow
rules
 is in itself a very complex issue
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since
children
 across the world grow up in very different cultures. In my home country
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, the level of morality is very high and
children
 have to be very submissive to their parents
as well as
 other adults around them.
This
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
show examples
, is not the case in the western countries where
children
 grow with enough liberty. I believe that following strict
rules
 has both advantages
as well as
 serious drawbacks.
Firstly
, strict
rules
 of
behaviour
 create responsible and respectful
children
 who in turn mature into respectful adults.
This
 forms a stable society which is virtually free from vices
such
 as prostitution and drug abuse.
Secondly
, if
children
 do not follow strict
rules
 of
behaviour
, they will get out of hand and become workshy and indolent.
This
 will
then
 create a burden on society since the government has to find ways to cater for these social ills and crime.
However
, forcing
children
 to follow strict
rules
 of
behaviour
 doesn’t always yield positive results.
Children
 start showing erratic
behaviour
, disrespecting others and may work against society.
In addition
 to
this
, strict
rules
 destroy the individuality of a child. A child doesn’t blossom to its full personality. It may lead to
live
Change the verb form
living
show examples
 a stressful life.
Overall
,
instead
 of imposing,
children
 should be guided by
rules
. Every human needs space to develop their own personality traits and to adopt an accepted behavioural pattern of their own.
Rules
 should be a part of discipline but shouldn’t generate fear or
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
erratic
behaviour
.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Mentioning particular cases or studies can make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a logical flow throughout the essay. Use cohesive devices like 'therefore', 'furthermore', 'in addition' more frequently.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the topic and presents both perspectives clearly.
task achievement
There is a clear and comprehensive response to the task, addressing both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the arguments and gives a balanced viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: