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Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extend do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages

#countries #people #population #governments #society
Nowadays,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 change of living is increasing. Because of that fact, governments should allocate more attention to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 the old
people
 but some
people
 think having a
lot
 of
experienced
Replace the word
experience
show examples
society
Change preposition
in society
show examples
 will bring so
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 benefits. In my opinion, a large number of older
people
 brings more disadvantages rather than advantages. A huge amount of ageing
people
 creates a wide variety of drawbacks. To start with, parents and
also
 grandfather and grandmother will take
a job opportunities
Correct the article-noun agreement
job opportunities
a job opportunity
show examples
 that younger ones need.
Spesificlly
Correct your spelling
Especially
 for the work that
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experience.
For instance
, a long
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 will make
an experienced staffs
Correct the article-noun agreement
an experienced staff
experienced staffs
show examples
 unchangeable for a long period, it will make a
lot
 of graduated students have to wait longer until the position is available.
Besides
 that, the old
people
 will increase
governments
Change the noun form
government
show examples
 expenses
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in
health
Add an article
the health
a health
show examples
 system. Evidently, senior
people
easy to
Replace the word
easily
show examples
 get a
lot
 of health problems, so they will try to reach a healthcare system and use it. To be more specific, an allowance for
free
Add an article
a free
the free
show examples
 charge of
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 system will be used frequently so the governments need to distribute a
lot
 of money for that side.
On the other hand
, some arguments can be made that having a large population of unproductive
people
 still
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 some benefits. The main reason for
this
 is that those
people
 have a
lot
experienced
Change preposition
of experience
show examples
 and their maturity
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 still needed
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 some particular time
for example
 your grandfather can give you a
lot
 of
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
 and suggest some ways to do something because they already know it before even it is an outdated issue. Having considered all the arguments above, I would conclude that the existence of senior society has more drawbacks
overall
.
Submitted by yoke.meiliadewayanti on

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task achievement
Work on providing more detailed and clear examples to support your points. For example, explain how the job market specifically gets affected by an ageing workforce with statistical or anecdotal evidence.
coherence cohesion
While you have a logical structure in your essay, work on elaborating the points discussed in each paragraph and linking them together more cohesively. Ensure each paragraph flows logically from the previous one.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear point of view on the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure: an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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