Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
These days, public debate has been going on over whether the increasing of sick people
chose
to go to Wrong verb form
choose
the
Correct article usage
apply
alternatives place
rather than Fix the agreement mistake
alternative places
hospital
. I tend to believe that a high number of people believe Add an article
a hospital
the hospital
in
unscientific Change preposition
that
treatments
Use synonyms
is
a negative development for the following reasons.
Two main factors support the idea of Correct subject-verb agreement
are
negative
side of traditional medicines. The primary Add an article
the negative
factors
we need to take into consideration is that unconventional Fix the agreement mistake
factor
treatments
will risk your health. Obviously, there will not Use synonyms
any
scientifically proven or trusted Add a missing verb
be any
researched
Replace the word
research
of
Change preposition
on
that
practices that cannot guarantee anything to your safety. Correct determiner usage
those
For instance
, the “traditional doctor” will give you prescriptions and drugs without any base that can make your health Linking Words
in
dangerous. Change preposition
apply
Besides
, Linking Words
this
habit can Linking Words
make
a lot of Verb problem
cause
doctors
Use synonyms
losing
their Change the verb form
to lose
job
and their revenue. Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
This
is to say that the existence of Linking Words
patient
really essential for Fix the agreement mistake
patients
the
Correct article usage
apply
doctors
to Use synonyms
continued
their business, Wrong verb form
continue
for
Linking Words
example
if the hospital does not have a patient anymore, the hospital will be bankrupt and Add a comma
example,
then
take all the Linking Words
doctors
out.
I admit that finding Use synonyms
the
second-choice Correct article usage
apply
treatments
Use synonyms
especially
in traditional ways is not wrong because Add the comma(s)
, especially
the
traditional medicines Correct article usage
apply
usually
cheaper and Add a missing verb
are usually
easy
to reach. Despite that, it should be the Correct word choice
easier
government
Change noun form
government's
tasks
to make healthcare facilities free and spread around the city.
In Conclusion, I would argue that using untrusted Fix the agreement mistake
task
treatments
has a lot of drawbacks for ourselves and Use synonyms
also
for Linking Words
Correct article usage
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
doctors
. Use synonyms
Accordingly
, it would be generally advisable for Linking Words
government
to allocate funding for health and build a lot of Add an article
the government
hospital
.Change to a plural noun
hospitals
Submitted by yoke.meiliadewayanti on
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task achievement
Your essay generally addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position throughout. However, some of your points could be more fully developed with more specific examples and further explanations. Be sure to provide more detailed examples to support your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas. Try using linking words or phrases to better connect your thoughts.
coherence cohesion
While you do present main ideas clearly, ensure that all the ideas are comprehensively explored. For instance, the negative impact on doctors could be expanded further with more specific details. Also, each paragraph should ideally focus on a single idea to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good for overall coherence.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by acknowledging that traditional medicines are cheaper and easier to access, which shows your ability to see both sides of an issue.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.