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Band 5.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
Being take risker can have
one
 of the features individual. Some
people
 believe that it is crucial for each person to take
risks
 in their whole life.
While
 there are some drawbacks associated with living full of
risks
, I believe the main benefits are more substantial. On the
one
 hand, a potential disadvantage of taking
risks
 in life may be failing in a way that
one
 person steps on it. There are many individuals who think that if
one
 person decides to start a new task, it is crucial to accept its peril without paying attention to the consequences.
For example
, in some schools, teachers teach their students to be risk-takers if they want to become successful in their lessons. They tell them to choose a major that they are interested in if they do not have any talent in it.
Furthermore
, a number of these individuals fail at the beginning of their path.
On the other hand
, there are a vast number of
people
 in the world who are very successful in their lives because they take
risks
 in their professional and personal lives.
For instance
,
one
 of the well-known
people
 who succeeded in their tasks is Elon Musk. He is
one
 of the great co-founders in relation to technology in the world. He
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
created
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
space X in order to find
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 simple way to reach the other planets but, in
this
 way, he failed a lot of times and never gave up on achieving his goals.
Also
, accepting peril in our lives can teach us new ways and provide
people
 with more knowledge. In conclusion,
although
 taking peril gives
feeling
Add an article
a feeling
the feeling
show examples
 of disappointment to individuals, it is able to grow
people
 full of
experienced
Change the form of the verb
experience
show examples
 with many achievements.
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task
Although your essay addresses the task effectively, you should focus on presenting a more balanced view of the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks. Adding more examples and explanations for the disadvantages would help strengthen your argument.
coherence
Your essay has a clear structure, but at times, the transitions between your ideas are a bit abrupt. Try to use more linking words and phrases to ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas.
coherence
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout the essay. Proofreading your work and focusing on sentence structure and word choice will enhance clarity.
coherence
Your introduction and conclusion are strong. They effectively introduce the main idea and summarize the argument, respectively.
task
You have provided relevant and specific examples, such as the one about Elon Musk, to support your points, which is essential for a higher score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
What to do next:
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