The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing . What are the cause and solutions ?
The number of
people
who are at risk of serious health problems due to
being overweight is increasing. This
is mainly because of
, our lifestyle has become far too sedentary , and there are many Change preposition
apply
people
consuming more calories than they burn through physical activity. There are a number of solutions that should be implemented to deal with people
who are at risk due to
being overweight.
Firstly
,the reason for most people
being overweight is that their lifestyle has become far too sedentary. In other words
, they stopped doing any physical activities, even the smallest one
, like walking or even running, for a little bit. Correct pronoun usage
ones
Secondly
, many people
consume more calories than they burn through physical activities, and as a result
, a lot of people
have been suffering from illness
related to being overweight. There are two effective solutions to the problem of Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
people
being overweight. First of all
Add a comma
all,
people
should avoid overeating and try eating only what they need that
will help reduce the number of Correct pronoun usage
which
people
who suffer from overweight
. Another method of dealing with Add a missing verb
being overweight
people
who suffer from overweight
is to start taking up outdoor sports or physical activity like gardening or walking, which can help them provide a sedentary lifestyle. Add a missing verb
being overweight
This
solution would hopefully help them deal with their overweight problems.
In conclusion, taking outdoor sports or physical activities and avoiding overeating are very effective in dealing with this
issue.Submitted by s_syedy on
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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task, addressing both causes and solutions. However, try to elaborate more on your points with specific examples or studies to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure, some parts could flow more smoothly. For example, ensure each paragraph transitions naturally to the next. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that you provide more detailed support for your main points to enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your essay. Examples and data can make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which are crucial for a well-rounded essay.
task achievement
The essay maintains a clear focus on the topic throughout, with relevant points addressing both causes and solutions.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite
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