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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing . What are the cause and solutions ?

#people #risk #health
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The number of
people
 who are at risk of serious health problems
due to
 being overweight is increasing.
This
 is mainly because
of
Change preposition
apply
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, our lifestyle has become far too sedentary , and there are many
people
 consuming more calories than they burn through physical activity. There are a number of solutions that should be implemented to deal with
people
 who are at risk
due to
 being overweight.
Firstly
,the reason for most
people
 being overweight is that their lifestyle has become far too sedentary.
In other words
, they stopped doing any physical activities, even the smallest
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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, like walking or even running, for a little bit.
Secondly
, many
people
 consume more calories than they burn through physical activities, and
as a result
, a lot of
people
 have been suffering from
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
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 related to being overweight. There are two effective solutions to the problem of
people
 being overweight. First of
all
Add a comma
all,
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people
 should avoid overeating and try eating only what they need
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will help reduce the number of
people
 who suffer from
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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. Another method of dealing with
people
 who suffer from
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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 is to start taking up outdoor sports or physical activity like gardening or walking, which can help them provide a sedentary lifestyle.
This
 solution would hopefully help them deal with their overweight problems. In conclusion, taking outdoor sports or physical activities and avoiding overeating are very effective in dealing with
this
 issue.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task, addressing both causes and solutions. However, try to elaborate more on your points with specific examples or studies to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure, some parts could flow more smoothly. For example, ensure each paragraph transitions naturally to the next. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that you provide more detailed support for your main points to enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your essay. Examples and data can make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which are crucial for a well-rounded essay.
task achievement
The essay maintains a clear focus on the topic throughout, with relevant points addressing both causes and solutions.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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