IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. Do you agree or disagree?

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Due to
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 the development
in
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of
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 medical industries, life expectancy is getting longer and longer. Some see
this
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 as
negative
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a negative
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 phenomenon, creating problems to govern,
while
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 others admit the benefits of accepting the elder generation.
This
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 essay completely agrees with the latter point because their contribution and the insightful lessons they give to society
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 unquestionable.
First,
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it is undeniable that older people are
also
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 participating as workers, and they contribute to society just as younger generations do. The improvement in health services resulted in
the
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apply
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longer years for the employees to work.
For instance
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, in Japan, the retirement age for workers in public institutions was 55, decades ago,
while
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 the earliest to retire is 61 nowadays.
Moreover
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, many people that are aged
than
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apply
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70 are still continuing to participate in the industries they used to work
.
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in.
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This
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 shows that older generations should be considered
as
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apply
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solid members of the community since they contribute by using
their
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the
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 techniques or knowledge they earned in their youth. Adding to that point, the lessons the senior generation can provide us
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 invaluable in multiple means. Especially in
the
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apply
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developed countries, the acknowledgement
for
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of
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 the war is pale compared to a century ago. Elders’ memory of their suffering days must be remembered in any
communities
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community
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 to aim for their peace and keep their history.
For example
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, many Vietnamese children learn from their grandparents about the war and post-war period as their class work.
This
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 experience led the children to be fully aware of the risk of starting the war.
Thus
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, older generations' experiences and their lessons are irreplaceable in order to maintain peaceful lives. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the statement that seniors benefit society
considering
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by considering
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 their contribution as workers and their educational memories.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, with main points well-supported. However, some minor grammatical inaccuracies and occasional awkward phrasing hinder the flow. Refining these points could make your essay even stronger.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to connect ideas smoothly between sentences and paragraphs. While the main points are logically structured, some transitions could be more fluid to enhance readability.
task achievement
Ensure every argument is comprehensive and elaborated. While you provided good examples, diving deeper into how these examples directly relate to the argument can make them more impactful.
coherence cohesion
Great job presenting a well-rounded argument. Your essay effectively balances points for both sides before strongly agreeing with one.
task achievement
Excellent use of relevant and specific examples, like the situation in Japan and the wartime experiences in Vietnam, which add depth to your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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