IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar ,which causes many health problems .Sugary products shoud be mad more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar . do you agree or disagree ?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #shoud #people
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Many fast
food
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 companies contain a large amount of
sugar
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 in their
products
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 which causes many
health
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issues
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 . Some
people
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 believe that the price of sugary
products
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 needs to be increased so that
people
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 consume less amount of
sugar
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. I disagree with the statement because I believe that the
government
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 need to implement policies in order to control
sugar
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 and needs to educate
people
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 regarding how bad is
sugar
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 for your
health
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.
To begin
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 with, the fast
food
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 industry uses
sugar
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 as a key ingredient in their
products
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 in order to make
food
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 tasty so that many
people
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 consume it and demand more .
Therefore
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 , the
government
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 should implement the policies in which
food
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 companies should make sugary
products
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 in order to take into consideration human
health
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 .
For example
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 ,coke introduced an alternative product which is
diet
Capitalize word
Diet
show examples
 Coke because it has less
sugar
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 content
while
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 drinking it.
In addition
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, the
government
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 should educate the
people
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 about the bad effects of consuming high amounts of
sugar
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 . If
people
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 know the main reason behind
health
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 problems
such
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 as diabetes , and high blood pressure is high amounts of
sugar
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then
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people
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 stop buying sugary drinks and
food
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 .
For example
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 , many
people
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 aware of
health
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issues
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 through
government
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 posts on social media and it provides a message for how to stay fit in the long run. In conclusion , Big manufacturers of drinks and
food
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 consume high amounts of
sugar
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 in their
food
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products
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 which is the main reason for
health
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issues
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 . I believe that
instead
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 of increasing the price of sugary
products
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 , the
government
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 should create policies so that big companies take
people
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's
health
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 as the main consideration
while
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 making
products
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 and states should educate
people
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 about
health
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issues
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 they get with these kinds of
food
Use synonyms
products
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.
Submitted by kmlchahal97 on

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task achievement
Your introduction sets the context for the argument clearly, but it can be enhanced by explicitly stating what your essay will cover. Consider briefly mentioning the main points of your argument in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could be improved by presenting a clearer logical progression of ideas. Try to use transition words and phrases more effectively to connect your ideas and create a smoother flow.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, they can be more specific and detailed to better support your points. Include data, studies, or real-world examples where possible to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and develops it fully. Avoid combining multiple points in one paragraph as this can cause confusion and dilute your argument.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task prompt effectively, providing a clear position and relevant explanations.
coherence cohesion
You have included both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps give your essay a complete structure.
task achievement
Your arguments about government policies and education are well-reasoned and provide a solid foundation for your disagreement with the statement.
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