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Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar ,which causes many health problems .Sugary products shoud be mad more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar . do you agree or disagree ?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #shoud #people
Sweet foods and beverages are becoming more and more popular every day and some
people
 believe that increasing the price of these
products
 can reduce
people
's consumption and prevent future health problems preemptively. By highering the cost of
this
 junk food not only can't hold
people
's usage but
also
 can have some negative effects adversely. One of the negative effects that can fail
this
 approach is; that
people
 might be more curious about these
products
 and oppositely turn to buy them as luxury
products
.
For instance
, in 2011, a similar theory about cigarettes happened, and by increasing the price unexpectedly the number of smokers increased.
On the other hand
,
this
 idea might increase the number of non-beneficial jobs and more
people
 can change their jobs toward getting advantages of import or export. By
this
 approach, we are making these sugary
products
 contraband. In conclusion, some say that raising the price of sugary
products
 can make a barricade in the amount of consumption. I would say
this
 idea would have worse effects and
instead
 of that, we should put effort toward advertising and even using the most famous actors, players, etc to give others awareness about health issues caused by these sweeties.
Submitted by mohammadmafi6809 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure can be improved by making sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is fully developed.
task achievement
Try to support your arguments with more concrete, varied, and detailed examples. The example provided about cigarettes is a good start, but more are needed to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are appropriately placed, but the conclusion could be stronger by summarizing more succinctly and by restating the main points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
Avoid making broad claims without evidence. Ensure that every point you make is backed up by data or a detailed explanation.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence variety and complex sentence structures to enhance the overall readability and sophistication of your writing.
task achievement
The topic is addressed clearly, and the writer has a clear position on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good structure.
task achievement
The example of the cigarette price increase was relevant and added value to the explanation.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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