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Band 5.5

Nowadays people are trying to have a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems could this create? How can people overcome them?

#people #career #life #time #create
In the modern era, people try to have a work-life balance between family and
job
.
As a result
,
this
 can provide some challenges,
such
 as
time
 management and stress. In
this
 essay, I will discuss how to solve both of these issues.
To begin
 with, often workers who try to be stable between family and
job
 have problems with dividing
time
 correctly.
Therefore
, they do not have
time
 to hang out with family or do
job
 tasks. Employees generally prioritize successful careers since they won't provide a wealthy future for their own
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
Thus
,
instead
 of family, workers spend
time
 more at the gruelling
job
.
Whereas
, their family endure
this
 situation and live on their own. Eventually, family with
time
 will change their character,
children
Correct word choice
and children
show examples
 will grow up,
while
 one member of the family will not notice
this
. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, employees will have stress and burnout because preferring careers leads to the loss of precious days with family. Accurately
time
 management and priorities can help with resolving these issues by ensuring that both work and family are adequately prioritized. One effective strategy is to create a well-structured schedule, with
time
 slots for both of them.
For instance
, weekends it is exclusively family activities
time
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when employees will nurture children, have fun with them, and provide attention for the couple,
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 it will help establish a strong bond inside the family.
Additionally
, setting boundaries at work,
such
 as not checking emails after a certain hour, can prevent work from interrupting personal
time
. In conclusion, effective
time
 management, setting clear boundaries to achieve a harmonious work-life balance, enhancing
overall
 well-being and ensuring that neither career nor family life is neglected.
Submitted by zerdeteacher2024 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. Try to ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next.
task achievement
Make sure your main points are well-supported with relevant examples or explanations. For instance, provide concrete solutions for time management and specific methods to set boundaries.
task achievement
Clarify some of your ideas to ensure they are communicated clearly. Some sentences were somewhat unclear and could be simplified for better understanding.
task achievement
You have addressed both the problems and solutions as required by the task. This demonstrates your understanding and ability to discuss both sides of the issue.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, and they clearly frame the essay, setting up and summarizing your ideas effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Balancing
  • Burnout
  • Juggling responsibilities
  • Neglecting
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Dissatisfaction
  • Setting realistic goals
  • Priorities
  • Fulfillment
  • Effective time management
  • Allocation
  • Reducing stress
  • Seeking support
  • Coping mechanisms
  • Balanced life
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