IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Schools don’t give proper health educations to young people. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give you own opinion.

#schools #don’t #health #educations #people
The importance of
health
education
 must
be teach
Change the verb form
be taught
show examples
 to the pupils from their
schools
, it is one of the vital scope of government. Others believe most of the academic institutions are not ready to teach
health
education
 lessons to their students. In my opinion, I will not support
this
 statement by giving the
below mentioned
Add a hyphen
below-mentioned
show examples
 points. Analyzing
this
 statement,
schools
 are
starting
Correct article usage
the starting
show examples
 point of the life of all youngsters.
In
Change preposition
During
show examples
this
 period
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 memory and knowledge capacity
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
time they can learn all subjects easily.
Hence
, most of the
schools
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 debuted physical training
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
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 in their
time table
Correct your spelling
timetable
show examples
.
This
 period will be conducted weekly two or three times in
this
 class students can play indoor and outdoor games. Another striking benefit is
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
who
willing
Add a missing verb
are willing
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 to participate
national
Change preposition
in national
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 games the
schools
are arranging
Wrong verb form
arrange
show examples
 special
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them. To illustrate,
my
Change preposition
in my
show examples
 schooldays our class teacher
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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organized
special
Correct article usage
a special
show examples
health
 training
program
 for the
student’s
Change the noun form
students
student
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.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
 addition,
health
education
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
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is very
Verb problem
are
show examples
 essential for
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 nowadays the world is developing more and the technology has grown gigantically.
Thus
, people life
style
Correct your spelling
lifestyles
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 changed
due to
 lots of diseases are ruining their
health
. To avoid
this
health
education
 is
must
Correct article usage
a must
show examples
.
Moreover
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and academic
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
show examples
 should try to join together and create
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
program
 of
health
education
 for the youngsters. To illustrate,
my
Change preposition
in my
show examples
 hometown all
schools
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
conducted
special
Correct article usage
a special
show examples
health
maintaining
Replace the word
maintenance
show examples
program
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
last
 year. In a nutshell, public
health
maintaining
Replace the word
maintenance
show examples
 will give a good beneficial to the country
as well as
 individuals.
Hence
, most of the countries and their government are taking
specially
Change the adverb
special
show examples
 care for
health
education
 to their pupils through school and college.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow a logical sequence. Use linking phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Be sure to introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and develop your points fully with relevant information and examples.
task achievement
Work on varying your sentence structures and try to reduce the number of grammatical errors in your writing. This will help to make your ideas clearer and more engaging.
task achievement
Be more specific and provide detailed examples to support your points. For instance, instead of saying 'the world is developing more,' you could provide specific examples of technological advancements that have impacted health.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear opinion on the subject.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples to support some of your points, which is good for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay nicely.
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