IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Schools don’t give proper health educations to young people. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give you own opinion.

#schools #don’t #health #educations #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The importance of
health
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 must
be teach
Change the verb form
be taught
show examples
 to the pupils from their
schools
Use synonyms
, it is one of the vital scope of government. Others believe most of the academic institutions are not ready to teach
health
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 lessons to their students. In my opinion, I will not support
this
Linking Words
 statement by giving the
below mentioned
Add a hyphen
below-mentioned
show examples
 points. Analyzing
this
Linking Words
 statement,
schools
Use synonyms
 are
starting
Correct article usage
the starting
show examples
 point of the life of all youngsters.
In
Change preposition
During
show examples
this
Linking Words
 period
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 memory and knowledge capacity
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
time they can learn all subjects easily.
Hence
Linking Words
, most of the
schools
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 debuted physical training
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 in their
time table
Correct your spelling
timetable
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 period will be conducted weekly two or three times in
this
Linking Words
 class students can play indoor and outdoor games. Another striking benefit is
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
who
willing
Add a missing verb
are willing
show examples
 to participate
national
Change preposition
in national
show examples
 games the
schools
Use synonyms
are arranging
Wrong verb form
arrange
show examples
 special
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them. To illustrate,
my
Change preposition
in my
show examples
 schooldays our class teacher
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
organized
special
Correct article usage
a special
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 training
program
Use synonyms
 for the
student’s
Change the noun form
students
student
show examples
.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
 addition,
health
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
is very
Verb problem
are
show examples
 essential for
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 nowadays the world is developing more and the technology has grown gigantically.
Thus
Linking Words
, people life
style
Correct your spelling
lifestyles
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 changed
due to
Linking Words
 lots of diseases are ruining their
health
Use synonyms
. To avoid
this
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is
must
Correct article usage
a must
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and academic
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
show examples
 should try to join together and create
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
program
Use synonyms
 of
health
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 for the youngsters. To illustrate,
my
Change preposition
in my
show examples
 hometown all
schools
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
conducted
special
Correct article usage
a special
show examples
health
Use synonyms
maintaining
Replace the word
maintenance
show examples
program
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
last
Linking Words
 year. In a nutshell, public
health
Use synonyms
maintaining
Replace the word
maintenance
show examples
 will give a good beneficial to the country
as well as
Linking Words
 individuals.
Hence
Linking Words
, most of the countries and their government are taking
specially
Change the adverb
special
show examples
 care for
health
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 to their pupils through school and college.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow a logical sequence. Use linking phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Be sure to introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and develop your points fully with relevant information and examples.
task achievement
Work on varying your sentence structures and try to reduce the number of grammatical errors in your writing. This will help to make your ideas clearer and more engaging.
task achievement
Be more specific and provide detailed examples to support your points. For instance, instead of saying 'the world is developing more,' you could provide specific examples of technological advancements that have impacted health.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear opinion on the subject.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples to support some of your points, which is good for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay nicely.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: