IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people beleive that high sugar levels cause more health problems. make it more expensive to reduce the health issues. do you agree or disagree ?

#people #beleive #sugar #levels #health
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Some individuals argue that a lot of
health
 problems
as a result
 of
sugar
 intake in diets, and
this
 strains
health
 costs.
This
 essay totally agrees with
this
 statement because eating food has a lot of
sugar
 ,
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will lead to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in blood glucose, obesity, and a rise
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 number of diabetes patients the biggest
health
 problem is increasing in blood glucose of individuals
due to
 eating sweet food
such
 as chocolate and ice cream,
this
 increases insulin resistance in their bodies and swings their mood,
furthermore
, that lead to a high risk of diabetes and obesity.
Moreover
, if the number of sick patients increases, there will be a huge demand for
health
 services and medication.
For example
, there is a recent study shows that high impact on
health
as a result
 of an
increase
 in patient numbers.
Additionally
, these problems do not affect only the
health
 sector in the
country
 they
also
 have an impact on the
country
's economy, because the
country
 will
increase
 funds for
health
 rather than other sectors
such
 as development and research.
For example
, there is a public study shows that much of big countries have a high percentage of diseases, and
this
 because of lower awareness of humans about their
health
, and it has a bad impact on their development plans. In conclusion, if the
country
 suffers from diseases
due to
 high
sugar
 intake
this
 will affect its economic costs. Because
this
Change preposition
of this
show examples
 they have to
increase
 awareness of their community to reduce
this
 effect
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their cost. It is recommended that put new rules to limit
sugar
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 in food.
Submitted by saja.alotaibi on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer paragraph structure. Ensure each idea is well-organized and flows logically from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are lengthy and could be broken down for better clarity. Use simpler sentence structures to convey your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Your essay discusses the topic effectively, but adding more details and examples would improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
You address the task prompt effectively by discussing the link between high sugar intake and health problems as well as its economic impact.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • high sugar levels
  • health problems
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • reduce consumption
  • public health
  • healthier options
  • negative consequences
  • financial strain
  • low-income families
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • government policies
  • subsidize
  • healthier food alternatives
  • accessible
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