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Band 7.5

Too much emphasis is put on earning money rather than looking for a good quality of life. To what extent do you agree with this idea ?

#emphasis #money #quality #life #idea
Many
people
 focus on making
money
 rather than seeking a
life
 with good quality. I completely agree with
this
 statement for a number of plausible reasons. On the one hand, the reason why numerous individuals follow
this
 trend is that they are worried more about the future. Nowadays, having a good standard of living is harder than it was in the past. Many
people
 live with
this
 mindset: if you have more
money
, you will be happier.
Moreover
, a recent COVID-19 outbreak showed us how unpredictable
life
 can be. Plenty of
people
 became unemployed without any backup plans during that time. They struggled with making ends meet.
As a result
, they became more conscious of their
money
 and started saving more funds for rainy days.
On the other hand
, gaining more
money
 is considered a status symbol today. Almost everyone wants to have a successful career and climb the ladders of corporate
life
. Many believe that once you get a job in a big corporation, your
life
 will be better and your well-being will improve.
However
, they do not even realize they miss their prime years for the sake of feeling accomplished. The excessive number of
people
 became workaholics,
as a result
 of
this
 rat race. They forget to live in the moment and enjoy their
life
.
As a consequence
, they continue to be more productive
,
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 and get promotions and good salaries without making time to spend them. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
people
 think that having more
money
 is more important than looking for a high-quality
life
 because they want to be financially stable in the future and they want to be seen as accomplished.
Submitted by Dinare Abdullayeva on

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task achievement
Ensure that all points are fully developed with relevant examples where possible. For instance, in the paragraph about status symbols, provide a specific example of someone who prioritized money over quality of life.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing logical structure. Some transitional phrases can be used to connect sentences more smoothly. For instance, instead of 'On the other hand', you may use 'Additionally' for better flow of ideas in your second point.
coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, contributing to the overall coherence.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported and relevant examples are included, which enhances the effectiveness of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial success
  • overall happiness
  • relationships
  • health
  • personal fulfillment
  • material wealth
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • work-life balance
  • deteriorate
  • quality of life
  • prioritizing
  • financial gains
  • neglect
  • family
  • social connections
  • emotional well-being
  • balanced life
  • never-ending cycle
  • ambition
  • dissatisfaction
  • genuine happiness
  • financial stability
  • overemphasis
  • hobbies
  • leisure activities
  • mental health
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