IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

#people #sites #facebook #impact #individuals #society
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Few
people
 argue that social
media
 platforms like Facebook have a huge harmful effect on individuals
as well as
 on society. I largely disagree with
this
 statement
due to
 personal growth and
business
 expansion. To commence with,
while
 using social
media
 youth do not know about many side effects of using It. To explain, Nowadays the use of social
media
 applications is increasing day by day,
due to
 that many adults utilize their time over that platform.
Moreover
, they are becoming addicts of that type of app
as well as
 not focusing on their essential work.
On the contrary
, Facebook brings lots of opportunities for our generation in many ways.
In other words
, social networking sites like Facebook and Instagram give a chance to an individual to perform well and earn
money
 and fame through their site.
For Instance
, a survey conducted by The University of California indicates that 1 in every 10
people
 are earning
money
 via social
media
 giants.
Hence
, utilizing the platform for personal gain is very important for the youth.
Furthermore
, in
this
 competitive era, majority of the businesses from various domains have their online presence on social networking sites. To explicate, companies promote their product to many
people
 across social
media
 and grow their
business
 to the next level.
In addition
, In that way, they are not only hiring more staff for their production but
also
, helping society to earn
money
 and provide for their family. To cite an example, a headline of The Times of India shows that 77% of companies expand their
business
 to other nations and hire more
people
 for work as they are using social
media
 to grow their
business
.
To conclude
,
although
 social connect apps are addictive, They provide opportunities for many
people
 to earn
money
 through them and businesses can help society and hire more and more qualified candidates.
Submitted by birenp046 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the introduction addresses the topic, it could be more engaging and concise. Try to start with a more impactful statement to grab the reader’s attention immediately.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas logically.
task achievement
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points, but it can be strengthened by restating your opinion more forcefully and explicitly tying back to the question posed.
task achievement
The essay clearly presents both sides of the argument before offering a personal stance.
task achievement
Examples provided (e.g., University of California survey, Times of India headline) effectively support the main points and add credibility to the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, and each paragraph is dedicated to a single idea which is explored with supporting details.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • erosion
  • face-to-face
  • interactions
  • privacy concerns
  • data breaches
  • misinformation
  • polarize
  • cyberbullying
  • online harassment
  • procrastination
  • productivity
  • social isolation
  • dissemination
  • breeding ground
  • vast amounts
  • personal information
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: