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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people are of the opinion that children should be rewarded for good behaviour. Others think they should be punished for bad behavior. Discuss both views and give your personal opinion and reasons.

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Some individuals think that it is a good idea to reward
children
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 for good behaviour. Others believe it is important to punish them for bad behaviour. It is my belief that both rewards and punishments have to be carefully given in other to not spoil kids. Rewards are given to foster good behaviour, but sometimes using them in excess causes damage, and frequent punishment of
children
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's mistakes affects their mental health. It is important to be aware of how frequently and for which reason we are rewarding our
children
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 in order to keep their motivation high.
Although
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 it is vital to prise them, doing it in excess easily spoils them and
as a result
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, they behave only looking for the prize rather than for the will to be polite.
For instance
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, in my own experience, I have noticed that Elias, who is my youngest son, doesn't even care to say hello when I pick him up from school.
In contrast
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, he asked for the gift that I was used to bringing him at that moment, so I just decided to stop doing it.
On the other hand
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,
although
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 punishment is not a recommended method, sometimes it is necessary
due to
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 some
children
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 behavior's limits that parents should impose.
However
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, these punishments must be given only in a few opportunities and don't have to be physical.
Otherwise
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, it affects
children
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's mental health. Some studies have shown that kids, whose parents punish them frequently, tend to become excessively shy and asocial, and
as a result
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, their personal development is compromised.
To conclude
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, in my opinion, both rewards and punishments are needed for
children
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's growth.
Although
Linking Words
 parents have these available tools, they must use them carefully. The excessive use of them spoils your kids in different ways.

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task achievement
Your essay generally adheres to the task requirements by discussing both views and providing your personal opinion. To achieve a higher score, further develop each point with more detailed explanations and examples.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is clear, but it would benefit from smoother transitions between ideas. Approximately linking phrases like 'Additionally' or 'Moreover' can help enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the question prompt. This will make your main points stand out more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented and effectively summarize the main arguments.
task achievement
You provide relevant specific examples, such as the anecdote about your son Elias, which adds authenticity and depth to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized into distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Positive reinforcement
  • Behavioral motivation
  • Praise
  • Extrinsic motivation
  • Internal discipline
  • Consequences
  • Time-outs
  • Removal of privileges
  • Logical consequences
  • Psychological effects
  • Child-parent relationship
  • Negative reinforcement
  • Consistency
  • Fairness
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