Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the developed world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?
Some people believe banning
fastfoods
commercials from educational Correct your spelling
fast food
instituitions
reduces Correct your spelling
institutions
obesity
rate in children. I completely disagree with Correct article usage
the obesity
this
statement and will justify my argument in this
essay.
Firstly
, I think it is individual's
responsibility to take care of one's health. Parents Correct article usage
an individual's
shoud
provide Correct your spelling
should
home-made
meals for Correct your spelling
homemade
lunch-breaks
and it is Correct your spelling
lunch breaks
also
Correct article usage
the teachers
teachers
responsibility to educate and aware children Change noun form
teachers'
teacher's
on
Change preposition
of
adverse
effects of consuming junk foods on human health. Correct article usage
the adverse
For instance
, my mother used to pack nutritional sandwiches for my school lunch.
Secondly
, I believe instead
of banning adverts in canteens, it would be better if they chose to provide balanced-diet meals like replacing french fries with grilled potatoes, corbonated
drinks with fresh Correct your spelling
carbonated
fruits
juices, and Change the noun form
fruit
a
dishes consisting of both meat and vegetables. Correct article usage
apply
This
would encourage young people to enjoy various dished
and remain fit Fix the agreement mistake
dishes
healthy
. Correct word choice
and healthy
For instance
, many government schools in Saudia Arabia offers
date milkshakes as Correct subject-verb agreement
offer
healthy
alternative to canned sodas.
Add an article
a healthy
Lastly
, banning advertisement
can Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
affects
Wrong verb form
affect
livelihood
of many people ranging from photographers, Add an article
the livelihood
chef
, and various Fix the agreement mistake
chefs
small scale
business owners. Add a hyphen
small-scale
This
would cause corporates to have complete
Correct article usage
a complete
monoply
and new businesses would get a chance to make money.
In conclusion, I disagree with the idea of not advertising in schools and moderate approaches should be adopted to overcome the threat of obesity.Correct your spelling
monopoly
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task achievement
Ensure your essay directly addresses the prompt with clear, comprehensive ideas. While you've provided reasons, some arguments lack depth and clearer connection to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical progression by organizing your ideas more effectively. Currently, the transitions between paragraphs are a bit abrupt. Use linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions.
general
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Small errors like 'educate and aware children' should be 'educate and make children aware.' Corrections like these can raise your overall score.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as government schools in Saudi Arabia offering healthy alternatives, which strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion which help to frame your argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates an attempt to cover different aspects of the issue, from personal responsibility to economic implications, which is commendable.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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