Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

The rapid advancement of technology changes how our society works.
Besides
, easy access to technology and the
internet
shifted our daily habits and behaviour.
This
includes
children
's behaviour related to the usage of gadgets. Not only
this
phenomenon might help
children
to grow, but
also
it might hinder
children
's development. Nowadays, access to
smartphones
and the
internet
is easier than ever. We can easily afford a smartphone with a small buck, roughly the cheapest costs about 1m rupiahs.
Moreover
, almost all areas in
this
world right now are covered by the
Internet
.
Consequently
, people tend to
use
their
smartphones
more often and it changed our ways of life.
For instance
, new parents are relatively busy
due to
their work and newborn baby.
Hence
, a newborn baby who needs attention from their parents is given a gadget which plays some videos entertaining the kid
instead
of getting attention from their mother or father. The parents choose
this
way because it is an instant way to keep the kind quiet and they can do anything they have to do right at that moment.
This
habit happens every day
thus
it will cause some addictions to the child.
Therefore
, some
children
now spend most of their playtime in front of their glass screen . There are some benefits and drawbacks of
this
demeanour. The advantage that we can get by
this
manner is that the younger generation will be more tech-savvy compared to us.
That is
a great thing since our current job market demand for tech jobs is higher than ever
thus
being technologically literate is important. They
also
can learn many things with their gadgets because they offer abundant education and knowledge.
However
, there are
also
drawbacks to
this
behaviour. If they are not properly supervised, our kids might watch or read inappropriate and dangerous content from the
internet
.
Children
are vulnerable to those things
due to
their innocence.
Moreover
, a health issue,
such
as mental health and eye problems,
also
might occur at an early age. They
also
might not develop communication and socialization skills since they
use
their playtime in front of gadgets
instead
of playing with their friends. In my opinion, we have to control how long
children
spend their time using their
smartphones
. There is an abundance of benefits we can get from it, but we
also
cannot ignore the drawbacks. The advantage mentioned above can be obtained by registering our
children
for tech classes addressed for their age, so the contents of our kids' access to the
internet
can be controlled. In fact, even the most tech companies' CEO do not give their
children
smartphones
until a certain age.
Therefore
, it must be a good reason to restrain the screen time of our
children
USE
SYNONYMS offspring It is important to
use
synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and
use
the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score. 's
smartphones
. In conclusion, the development
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
children
spend hours on their
smartphones
every day is leaning more towards the negative one.
Submitted by rianadmaja on

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task achievement
You've covered the topic well and provided reasons and examples to support your ideas. However, try to vary your vocabulary to avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, but there are some minor clarity issues. Make sure your ideas flow logically and you proofread for grammatical consistency.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported, but adding more specific examples and elaborating on them would strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively summarizes your viewpoint.
task achievement
You provide a balanced perspective by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of children spending time on smartphones.

Fully explain your ideas

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  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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