IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that cell phones should be for personal use only; others,  ​    however, feel cell phones should be used mostly for work.​    Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #cell #phones #work
Some
people
 say
smartphones
 should be for private use only;
while
 others
argues
Change the verb form
argue
show examples
 that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 should be used mostly for finishing
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 in their jobs.
This
 essay will argue that
although
 mobile
phones
Change the noun form
phone
show examples
 utilization
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work gives faster response for communications,
utilize
Wrong verb form
utilising
show examples
 the cellphones for personal use only
makes
Verb problem
gives
show examples
people
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
high quality during
time
 off.
The
Correct article usage
Smartphones
show examples
smartphones
 has more
fuctional
Correct your spelling
functional
 than before, the internet
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 built
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
devices
 likely
people
 to
communication
Replace the word
communicate
show examples
 in various ways.
Therefore
, the workforce
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
Correct article usage
the posibility
show examples
posibility
Correct your spelling
possibility
 to
communication
Replace the word
communicate
show examples
 with
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
devices
everythime
Correct your spelling
everywhere
 and anywhere. Whilts, job task
demans
Correct your spelling
demands
demand
 increased in modern ages, and fast respond and good services became key performance
indikator
Correct your spelling
indicator
indicators
 for an
employee
.
For example
: to stay connected with the
employee
, some
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
asking
Wrong verb form
ask
show examples
 the workforce to bring their
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
 during
bisnis
Correct your spelling
business
trip
Fix the agreement mistake
trips
show examples
.
People
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
this
Change the determiner
this device
these devices
show examples
devices
 in work
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 and
leissure
Correct your spelling
leisure
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
, if they
doing
Verb problem
use their
show examples
smartphones
 for
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 they will receive an email from their
devices
 during off days,
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 the
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 exhausted because they will feel working
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
24 hours per day without
time
 off. The high quality of breaks during
holiday
Fix the agreement mistake
holidays
show examples
have
Verb problem
is
show examples
 beneficial to
recover
Wrong verb form
recovering
show examples
 the energy and spirit
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
.
Hence
,
utilize
Wrong verb form
utilising
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
 for personal use only, will reduce stress on employees.
In particular
, some workforce with high job stress suggest
to turn
Change the verb form
turning
show examples
 off their cellphones to
maximalization
Correct your spelling
maximise
 the recovery during
time
 off. In conclusion,
although
utilization
Correct article usage
the utilization
show examples
smartphones
Change preposition
of smartphones
show examples
 as
a tools
Correct the article-noun agreement
a tool
tools
show examples
 for working are
helpfull
Correct your spelling
helpful
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 connecting
people
, it has more disadvantages for workfoce because the apps
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
devices
 interfere
people's
Change preposition
with people's
show examples
time
 for take a rest,
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 it will
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact on
employee
's mental health.
Submitted by kristianningrumkiki on

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task achievement
In your introduction, clearly rephrase the topic and include a thesis statement that sets up the argument for the body paragraphs. This can help make your intentions clear from the outset.
coherence cohesion
Each body paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that indicates what the paragraph will discuss. This will help in maintaining a logical structure throughout the essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Try to use more precise language and avoid grammatical errors, as they sometimes make your points less clear. For instance, 'utilization of smartphones at work,' and 'high-quality breaks' sound more natural.
coherence cohesion
Include some linking words and phrases (furthermore, on the other hand, for example) to make your essay flow better. This will enhance the cohesion of your writing.
relevant specific examples
Make sure each example is explained fully and clearly supports the argument you are making in the paragraph. For instance, explain specifically how turning off the cellphone leads to better mental health.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
complete response
You have provided arguments for both sides of the issue, which shows a balanced approach.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion summarizes your opinion and ties back to the main points discussed in the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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