IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT HAVING A SET RETIREMENT AGE (Example 65 YEARS) FOR EVERYBODY, REGARDLESS OF OCCUPATION, IS UNFAIR. THEY BELIEVE THAT A CERTAIN WORKERS DESERVE TO RETIRE AND RECEIVE A PENSION AT AN EARLIER AGE. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? WHICH TYPE OF WORKERS DO YOU THINK SHOULD BENEFIT FROM EARLY RETIREMENT?

#people #retirement #age #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #type #benefit
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
This
Linking Words
 statement refers to
employee’s
Correct article usage
the employee’s
show examples
 minimum
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 have been fixed by the authorities at around 65 years and
this
Linking Words
 rule
for
Add a missing verb
is for
show examples
 all types of
job
Use synonyms
 categories. Some people argued that these rules will not match to
such
Linking Words
employees
Use synonyms
 and they are eligible to get a pension fund at an earlier
age
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with the statement by giving the below-mentioned points.
Firstly
Linking Words
, most of the countries’ governments have implemented a law for
employees
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 who are working in government sectors their minimum average
retirement
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age
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 is between 60 to 65 years.
Moreover
Linking Words
, after the completion of a full period
service
Change preposition
of service
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 only they will become eligible to get a pension amount monthly basis. These
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of rules will not suit
for
Change preposition
apply
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some
employees
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such
Linking Words
 as those who are working in the nuclear sector, chemical industries and some physical works which are
giving
Verb problem
apply
show examples
potentially harmful to the
employees
Use synonyms
’ health. To illustrate, in my country, the average
retirement
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age
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 for public sector
employees
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have
Verb problem
is
show examples
 around 60 years.
Thus
Linking Words
, most of the
employees
Use synonyms
 who are physically ill get more suffered during their service period.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, all nations’ governments should consider their
employees
Use synonyms
’ minimum
age
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 limit and endeavour to ease the rules.
However
Linking Words
,
employees
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 who are working in
defence
Correct article usage
the defence
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 department and public transport sections
need
Add the particle
need to
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 retire earlier, because that field contains a lot of physical work
also
Linking Words
 the
job
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 is risky
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sometimes.
Due to
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this
Linking Words
 early
retirement
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 will be safer for them
also
Linking Words
, if they retire early
age
Use synonyms
, most of the teenagers will possibly
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
get a
job
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 in that field.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
retirement
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 at an early
age
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 for some kind of
job
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 is a good legislation.
In addition
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, it will
be led
Wrong verb form
lead
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 to
create
Replace the word
the creation
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a
Correct your spelling
of
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 new
job
Use synonyms
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph smoothly leads to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and elaborate on them to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Avoid general statements and focus on providing clear, comprehensive ideas to support your points.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic and provides relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, which help in framing the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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