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Band 7

A lot of places in the world rely on tourism as a main source of Income. Unfortunately, tourism can be cause of lot of problem if its not well managed . What are the advantage and dis advantage in the modern world? Do you think advantage overweight the disadvantage .

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Recently, many places in the world have made
tourism
 as main source of
income
.
On the other hand
, if
countries
 cannot manage
tourism
 well, it can cause some trouble. I believe with the former statement that the demerits would eclipsed by the merits. On the one hand, with the openness of the border, a lot of visitors from the risk
countries
 can easily come. As they are from risk
countries
, they can do some harmful activities
such
 as
tourism
.
For instance
, the country visited by them must be aware of the increasing number of crimes
such
 as drug dealers, smugglers, etc.
Moreover
, the
income
 from
tourism
 would not only be fulfilled but
also
 spent for other posts like protection, enforcement, etc.
On the other hand
, there is a lot of potential that can earned by country if the
tourism
 becomes the main source of
income
.
Firstly
, if
tourists
 feel so happy in one nation, they can talk to their relatives about the beauty of it.
Furthermore
, their colleagues will come to that country which can make the
income
 from that sector move higher.
Secondly
, if the nation can serve
tourists
 in a good way, there is a chance to make them become investors. The beautiful venue or healthy environment can attract
tourists
 to create a company there.
Therefore
, plenty of opportunities would be available and can decrease the number of unemployed. In conclusion,
although
 sometimes
tourists
 from risky
countries
 can do harmful activity, there are some benefits if the national border is opened wider
such
 as increasing the number of
income
 from
tourism
 and attracting investors to invest.
Thus
, I still believe that demerits would be eclipsed by the merits.
Submitted by alfathemaster on

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coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical progression of ideas. Some points could be better organized to ensure smooth transitions between ideas. Consider using more transition words or phrases.
task achievement
Some arguments need stronger support. Use more precise and specific examples to back up your points, rather than general statements.
task achievement
Work on enhancing the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. Some sentences could be clearer with more focused wording.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both strong. Each serves its purpose well in framing the essay and summarizing the arguments.
task achievement
The essay covers both advantages and disadvantages of tourism effectively and provides a clear opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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