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Band 5

Some people think that government should not give international aid since they have disadvantages people like unemployment and homeless in their own country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #aid #unemployment #country
it is argued that
authority
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authorities
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 should
aviod
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avoid
to give
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giving
show examples
 international assistance ,
while
 there
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a plenty of
problems
such
 as
people
 who are homeless or
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not have a job. I
beleive
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believe
 that other
goverments
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governments
government
 should help
people
 in various
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the world.
firstly
,
people
 have
sense
Add an article
a sense
show examples
 of empathy and humanity ,so these feelings should not be neglected . it is understandable that in our own country ,there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 several issues but
unaviodable
Correct your spelling
unavoidable
problems
such
 as
earthquick
Correct your spelling
earthquake
 and war require international support and attention .
moreover
, for some issues like unemployment , which is widespread more endeavours and more intricate solutions are needed ,
while
 for international help ,
amount
Correct article usage
an amount
show examples
 of money can be beneficial.
for example
, in
bam
Capitalize word
Bam
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, which is located in Iran after different support from
countries
 all around the world , most of the houses , which were demolished because of
earthquick
Correct your spelling
earthquake
, have been refurbished .
secondly
, individual life can have
influence
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an influence
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 on others.
phenonomen
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phenomena
such
 as wars need
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
quickly
Change the adverb
quick
show examples
 help and solution to tackle
,
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apply
show examples
unless it can be perilous for all of the
countries
 because citizens
abondon
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abandon
that
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those
show examples
countries
 and
migirate
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migrate
migrated
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other parts of the
worlds
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world
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, which can cause
overpopultion
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overpopulation
, lack of
the
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apply
show examples
food and
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increase in crime and other
problems
 . it is
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
 that
refugee
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refugees
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can play a significant role in increasing the
unemployments
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unemployment
show examples
 rate.
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 instance, after
war
Add an article
the war
show examples
 in middel assia myriads of
people
 were compelled to leave
evreything
Correct your spelling
everything
 behind and move into the new
countries
.
to conclude
, some
people
 assume that some
problems
 in their homeland are more integral than
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 and
international
Correct word choice
that international
show examples
 aid should be shunned .
while
 I believe that the government should help
people
 after catastrophe
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
avioding
Correct your spelling
avoiding
 inevitable
problems
 in the
furture
Correct your spelling
future
.
Submitted by yasaman.bozorgzad9 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents your stance. In the introduction, make it explicit that you believe the government should provide international aid while also acknowledging domestic issues.
task achievement
Work on avoiding some of the grammatical errors present in your writing. For example, 'avoiding' instead of 'avioding', 'believe' instead of 'beleive', and 'phenomenon' instead of 'phenonomen'. These errors can distract the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from more transitional phrases and better paragraph development. This will help the logical flow of your ideas and make your argument more coherent.
task achievement
Expand on your examples and provide more specific details to support your arguments. Instead of just mentioning that international help was beneficial to Bam, you could describe how the aid improved the situation.
coherence cohesion
Conclude your essay with a stronger summary of your main points and reaffirm your stance more clearly. A well-rounded conclusion can significantly strengthen the coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You effectively recognize and address the complexity of the issue by acknowledging domestic problems while still advocating for international aid.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant examples, such as the aid provided to Bam in Iran, which demonstrates your understanding and ability to anchor your points in real-world contexts.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay comprises a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in organizing your thoughts and arguments.
task achievement
Your recognition that empathy and humanitarian values should guide international aid shows a thoughtful and ethical consideration of the topic.
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