IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
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The
government
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 has applied security systems, which have increased considerably over the years. Some argue that governmental authorities should have
information
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 on
people
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's historic calls cellphones and messages for safety reasons.
While
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 other commentators assert that privacy data should be available only if they ask for it. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument with my opinion in the end. Fighting the high rates of crimes has been too difficult these days. Criminals make a huge of crimes and technology is becoming a tool to do so.
For instance
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, they plan to commit illegal or immoral activities like robbery and kidnapping using mobile phones making calls or sending messages to their partners. So, if the
government
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 had the communication records of a criminal organization, authorities would act in advance because they discover the following steps of their plans.
Nevertheless
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, governmental authorities should request the
information
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 from
people
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 in order to continue their investigations.
For instance
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,
people
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 who manage relevant
information
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 like businessmen or bankers could be affected if
government
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 take their data.
As a consequence
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, the
information
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 could be released or filtered to other institutions which can use it as they want. In the end, the
government
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 is responsible for requesting all the records following a suitable protocol.
To conclude
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,
although
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 criminals are increasing over the years using technology could be an advantage to them. Some governments can manage
people
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's data records and they can fight against criminals with
this
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. In my view, the
government
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 should request the relevant
information
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 without sniffing throughout our database.
Submitted by jolo9419jmor on

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coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions to strengthen the flow between ideas. For example, use more connectors like 'Firstly,' 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'On the other hand.'
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. This will make your ideas more convincing and thorough.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay is free from small grammatical errors, as this will improve clarity and readability.
task achievement
Address counterarguments more directly to show a balanced discussion before stating your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Both sides of the argument are addressed, and the writer's opinion is provided at the end.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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