IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In the past important knowledge of culture and history was stored in the museums. Nowadays information is freely available on the internet so there is no need for museums. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#culture #history #museums #information #internet
In the past
museums
 were the storage of historical and cultural knowledge.
According to
 some, today, in the world of the internet free data is provided on the cyber-space for everyone,
hence
,
museums
 are not necessary anymore. I generally align with
this
 idea as I think it might benefit our society
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 saving resources and protecting artworks from potential hazards.
To begin
 with, demonstrating cultural
objects
 in the
museums
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
 them in danger of either decay or stealing.
Firstly
, preserving historical artworks from chemical procedures like oxidation is a serious challenge for executives of
museums
.
Secondly
, many valuable
objects
 in
museums
 have been stolen, even in
high security
Add a hyphen
high-security
show examples
museums
 like
Add an article
a louver
show examples
louver
Change the spelling
louvre
show examples
.
For example
, the famous
monalisa
Change the capitalization
Monalisa
show examples
 has been rubbed twice in the
last
 50 years. We should preserve our cultural heritage by storing them in a safe and special place to protect them entirely.
Furthermore
, running a museum needs huge funding from governmental resources. Because of online
museums
, authorities could save
this
 grant for other cultural sections like movie production. All in all, in a world
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 technology rules, there is no need for physical
museums
 in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
situations. Having said that, It is undeniable that watching historical
objects
 online is not enough for art or archaeology students. These students need to feel and see these things’ texture and technique from a short distance to have a better grasp of them. A viable solution for
this
 problem is to hold a museum for a couple of days for students every semester. In conclusion, These days, because there is plenty of free information about our history and culture on the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
, the existence of
museums
 is not necessary anymore. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 we could protect precious artistic and ancient
objects
 and save our social funding by abolishing physical
museums
.
Submitted by hosein9es1 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout, and you have addressed the task effectively. However, you need to provide more relevant and specific examples to fully support your points. For instance, mentioning proven incidents or studies about the effectiveness of digital museums versus physical ones could help.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are well-organized and the essay follows a logical structure. Still, it's important to work on your transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow. Using better linking words or phrases would make your arguments more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Some parts of your essay could benefit from slightly more developed ideas. For example, discussing alternate solutions other than occasional museum openings for students could add depth to your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are strong and clearly state your position, giving a comprehensive view of the topic.
logical structure
You have successfully structured your essay with clear paragraphs, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.
supported main points
The main points you raised were relevant to the task and contribute well to the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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