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Band 4

Should smoking be completely banned everywhere, with no one allowed to smoke anywhere?

#smoke
It is sometimes argued that smoking should be completely banned everywhere. No one can
smoke
in
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apply
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anywhere because smoking causes bad effects to the public or themselves. In my opinion, I completely
argee
Correct your spelling
agree
 that would be a good idea. Smoking is bad for everyone.
Firstly
, smoking can hurt the
people
 who are smoking
in
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apply
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daily.
People
 may not realize smoking can produce
lot
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a lot
show examples
 of bad materials. Those materials can hurt their health and may affect their lives.
According to
 BBC News, over 500,000
people
 in Hong Kong have health problems because they
smoke
 a lot.
Also
, their bodies are getting worse by smoking since they become older. That shows a serious result for us. Smoking is totally bad for every
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
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.
Secondly
, smoking can
also
 hurt
smoker's
Correct article usage
a smoker's
show examples
 family or other person.
The scientists
Correct article usage
Scientists
show examples
 are already
prove
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proven
show examples
 smoking
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 only affects
to
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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smokers
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
 affects
to
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apply
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other
people
 since they smell the
smoke
. The bad materials from
smoke
 can go to their lung and make them
breath
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breathe
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 harder.
According to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 report by China, it finds
the
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apply
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people
 who live near
to
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
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smokers
 will get sick easily.
As a result
, it makes
people
 die
eariler
Correct your spelling
earlier
. In my opinion, the government should take more tax from the
smokers
. In
conlcusion
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conclusion
, I totally agree that smoking should be banned by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. Smoking not only affects
to
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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smokers
. It
also
 affects
other person
Change the wording
another person
other people
show examples
.
Submitted by millstonelee on

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grammar vocabulary
Focus on refining your grammar and vocabulary. There are several grammar mistakes, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('smoking can produce lot of bad materials' should be 'smoking can produce a lot of bad materials'). Vocabulary could also be improved by using more advanced and varied words.
supporting evidence
Provide more examples and evidence to support your points. This would help in enhancing the quality of your arguments. Try to cite a variety of sources or hypothetical situations to strengthen your essay.
introduction conclusion
The introduction clearly states your opinion and the conclusion reiterates this well, providing a sense of closure.
main points clarity
The main points are generally clear and relate directly to the topic, showcasing a good understanding of the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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