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Writing Samples
Band 5

Is reading stories from books is better than watching the television or playing video games on computers for children? Do you agree or disagree.

As education began to become a common topic people discuss, some people
assume
Wrong verb form
assumed
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 that reading stories from
books
Use synonyms
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 better than watching the television or playing video
games
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 on
computers
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 for
children
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. I personally agree with
this
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 idea. There are several aspects why reading physical
books
Use synonyms
 is better for the group of kids.
Firstly
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, the book could
make
Verb problem
help
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children
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 protect their
eyes
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 better. When youths are developing their body, some factors could cause big effects, book as an item made of natural resources
causes
Wrong verb form
causing
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 insignificant harm when
using it
Wrong verb form
used
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 in an inappropriate way,
such
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 as having a suitable position of sitting and a reasonable distance between
eyes
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 and the book. In fact,
computers
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, and other devices with screens, are much easier to damage
children
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’s
eyes
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 by employing a variety kind of technologies.
For instance
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,
computers
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 with OLED panels will make human
eyes
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 extremely sensible
due to
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 their adjusting rate. When using it for a long time, the
eyes
Use synonyms
 would be gradually harmed.
Secondly
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, reading
books
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 would improve
children
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’s mental health. Reading
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 individuals calm down by being in a mode of concentration, with a long-term process, youngsters would obtain the ability of self-control when it comes to emotions, which is undoubtedly beneficial for the group of
children
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 since the age range they have is the most difficult time to maintain peace and positive sentiments
due to
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 the sensibility they have.
By contrast
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, the majority of computer
games
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 and TV shows are somehow intense, sanguinary and extreme, always participating in activities like
this
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 might make kids more sensible and emotional in daily life, and negative behaviours might occur
according to
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 their emotions, and
also
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 makes the possibility of getting mental issues higher.
Finally
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, reading
books
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 makes
children
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 expand their skills of
imagination
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 more than watching electronic devices. When reading stories,
children
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 put themself into the situation
according to
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 the part of the story they are reading.
Books
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 don’t usually show images, so kids have plenty of space for their own
imagination
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, which enhances the skill of
imagination
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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future life
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and may
also
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 better their creativity.
However
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,
although
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 watching the TV or playing video
games
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also
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 benefits
children
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’s skills of
imagination
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 and creativity in some ways,
due to
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 the number of images and videos they show automatically, the platform for
imagination
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 is significantly limited. In conclusion, even though there are some advantages to watching the television or playing
games
Use synonyms
 on
computers
Use synonyms
, there are
also
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 a lot of disadvantages, and reading
books
Use synonyms
 is much more beneficial for
children
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 in
much
Fix the agreement mistake
many
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 more ways.

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relevant specific examples
Increase the use of specific examples to support your arguments. Providing more detailed instances will make your essay more convincing.
clear comprehensive ideas
Focus on making your ideas clearer and more comprehensive. Ensure that each paragraph thoroughly explains its main point before moving on to the next one.
introduction conclusion present
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the topic effectively.
logical structure
Logical structure is evident throughout the essay, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point.
complete response
The task response is mostly complete, covering several aspects of the topic clearly.
supported main points
The main points are generally well-supported, though additional specific examples could further strengthen the arguments.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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