IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

- It is no longer necessary to use animals for food, clothing or medical research. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#animals #food #research
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The necessity of
animals
Use synonyms
’
exitance
Correct your spelling
existence
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 is undeniable and they have a direct effect on human beings’ lives. Sadly,
animals
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 are utilized in diverse areas
such
Linking Words
 as medical
test
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tests
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, clothes and foods;
hence
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, they are on the verge of extinction.
Therefore
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, numerous organizations were established to preserve them. In the following essay, I express my orientation towards the same way with these established organizations. It is universally accepted that most
specious
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species
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 are
endanger
Wrong verb form
endangered
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,
due to
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 excessive humans’ consumerism . Despite the fact that a plethora of substitutions have been offered for
animals
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, humans’ tendencies towards using them
has
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have
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 slightly decreased.
For example
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, polyester, cotton and denim, which are herbal textiles, are offered to use in
fashion
Add an article
the fashion
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 industry, there are still,
however
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, demands for furry coat, which symbolizes
luxurious
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luxury
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.
As a result
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, hunters poach and sell them, and jeopardize their life for unessential reasons. It is argued that in the past, people had to hunt and use
animals
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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various
necessity
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necessities
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,
however
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, in the modern era, there
is
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are
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 no logical reasons for that.
On the other hand
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, it would be advocated that
due to
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 some
especial
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special
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 nutrients just
founded
Wrong verb form
found
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 in meats, preventing
from
Correct pronoun usage
them from
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 consuming them is impossible.
Nonetheless
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, in recent times, it
is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 discovered that some vegetables have the same nutrients and completely meet the needs of bodies.
Additionally
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, an increase in population coincides with supplying food in which relying on just
animals
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’ protein is not feasible.
Furthermore
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, rising the rate of hunting
animals
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affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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 their food chains, too. To put it differently, creatures live based on a linear sequence of hunting and eating.
For instance
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, eagles provide
foods
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food
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through
Change preposition
by
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 hunting foxes and it is followed by eating mice by foxes and so forth. By excessive consuming of one of
them
Add a comma
them,
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this
Linking Words
 chain will be destroyed. In conclusion,
animals
Use synonyms
 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
priceless creatures in the world and their existence is vital even for
human
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humans
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, preserving them is the onus on human beings.
The excessive
Correct article usage
Excessive
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consuming
Replace the word
consumption
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 makes them
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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under threat, so strict
policy
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policies
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 could assist
to prevent
Change preposition
in preventing
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from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
extinction.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Be sure to maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. It seems like the essay argues against using animals for certain practices, but this position isn't always strongly expressed.
task achievement
Some ideas could be more clearly articulated. For instance, the emphasis on substituting animal products is a strong point but needs more detail.
coherence cohesion
Build stronger links between paragraphs to guide the reader better. Transitions need to be smoother, enabling a logical flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid abrupt shifts between ideas. Make your argument flow naturally from one point to another, making it easier for the reader to follow.
task achievement
The examples given are relevant but need to be more specific. For instance, mention particular studies or statistics about plant-based nutrients or animal extinction to concretize your points.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument by highlighting the importance of animals and introducing the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion firmly reinforces your argument and emphasizes the importance of preservation. It ties back well to your introduction.
task achievement
The use of specific examples like polyester, cotton, and denim in the fashion industry, and the hunting of foxes by eagles, strengthens your arguments.
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