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Band 5

It is common nowadays for each member of the family to have their own peace of modern technology. Some people think this will lead to a breakdown in family relationship and communication. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#member #peace #technology #people #breakdown #relationship #communication
There is no doubt that these days it's more than likely for all the family including kids to own their personal technological device,
However
, some people believe that
this
 will result in a lack of communication. In
this
 essay. I'm going to discuss
this
 situation and give my opinion on it. In terms of giving
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronic
peaces
Correct your spelling
pieces
show examples
 of new technology to young children, it is completely wrong, because letting children
used to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
watch TV or
IPad
Correct your spelling
iPad
show examples
 all the time will create their own virtual
world
 and not realize the real
world
,
this
 will lead to a weak
relationship
 and communication with his
parents
, to illustrate, he will waste the main hours of the day on his virtual
world
 and not talking to his
parents
, In order to avoid
this
,
parents
 should not give them electronic devices at an early age and let him realize what the real
world
 is. In
this
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 the
relationship
 between
parents
 and their children will remain strong.
However
, other people think that devices won't
breakdown
Correct your spelling
break down
show examples
 the
relationship
 of members of the family,
firstly
, technological devices
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not the weapon that breaks the
relationship
, the thing that contributes to the breakdown is the content inside the phone,
such
 as social media, video games etc.
This
 makes the child
addicted
Rephrase
so addicted
show examples
 to his phone that he couldn't survive one day without
his
Change the word
the
show examples
 phone. In conclusion,
parents
 should be aware of the consequences of allowing their kids to use social media or video games, which has a good chance to result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a lack of communication,
therefore
, I agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 statement.
Submitted by yazanalt523 on

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task achievement
Work on providing more structured arguments and avoid ambiguity in statements. Some points are mentioned briefly without full development.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of grammatical errors and sentence structure issues. Improving these areas will increase clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in guiding the reader through your essay.
task achievement
You've addressed both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced approach to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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