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Writing Samples
Band 7

Topic: some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play\ with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the children of having a large number of toys?

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Toys
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 have always become a source of entertainment for
children
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.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 love to buy gifts and
toys
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 for their
children
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 even though, in some cases,
parents
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 buy
toys
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 excessively.
While
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 some people think
this
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 is beneficial, I think there are
also
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 some drawbacks for some reasons that are set out below. Nowadays, gifts are given to
children
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 as a symbol of a reward and most of the gifts include
toys
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. Sometimes,
parents
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 give their
children
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 too many
toys
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 to play with. Despite
parents
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 having to spend more money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
toys
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,
children
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 have a variety of choices to choose the form of entertainment for themselves
as well as
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 educating them.
For example
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,
toys
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such
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 as puzzles and crafting legos can help develop their motoric skills and enhance their creativity. Even though many
toys
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 give many choices for the
children
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 to pick, these habits can decrease their sense of appreciation. When they get too many
toys
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, they tend to get bored easily from one toy to another.
As a result
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, they will not learn how to show care and appreciation for materialistic things because they know that whenever they get bored, their
parents
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 will buy them more
toys
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 to play with.
Moreover
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,
this
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 type of parenting can increase the possibility of raising a spoiled child
due to
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 giving many rewards and
toys
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.
To conclude
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,
although
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 providing many
children
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 with
toys
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 seems to be good, I believe that it is better to limit their
toys
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 to teach them how to appreciate
toys
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.

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task achievement
While the essay covers both the advantages and disadvantages of giving children many toys, you could elaborate further on each point to provide more depth. For example, mention how children might develop better sharing skills or teamwork when they have multiple toys to play with others.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Consider using more linking phrases to make the transitions between ideas clearer. For example, when introducing disadvantages, you might start with 'On the other hand,' or 'However,'.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, nicely framing the discussion.
task achievement
You've provided a thoughtful analysis of both the positive and negative aspects of giving children many toys, showing a balanced perspective.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-organized, with different paragraphs clearly dedicated to different points. This helps the reader follow your argument more easily.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • enhanced creativity
  • motor skill development
  • educational benefits
  • social skills
  • overstimulation
  • cognitive abilities
  • fine motor skills
  • gross motor skills
  • sharing and cooperation
  • shorter attention spans
  • lack of value
  • gratitude and appreciation
  • environmental impact
  • non-recyclable materials
  • materialistic values
  • sense of entitlement
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