IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #museums #places #purpose
In recent years, many
people
 believe that
museums
 should be a place which provides entertainment to
people
.
On the other hand
, many individuals suppose
museums
 must be an area where
people
 learn new education. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss both points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 and share my opinion. Proponents of the idea that
museums
 should entertain argue that making
museums
 enjoyable can attract a broader audience, including those who might not typically be interested in traditional museum exhibits. Interactive displays and multimedia presentations are
one
Correct determiner usage
some
show examples
of the best options for
museums
 to develop
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 level
Change preposition
of captivate
show examples
captivate
Replace the word
captivation
show examples
. If the visitors appear more the museum's profits will increase so
museums
 can take that money to build more architecture to serve human needs. Some
people
can
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
receive
Verb problem
have
show examples
energy
Correct article usage
the energy
show examples
 to go to
museums
.
For example
, many
students
 when they have a chance to tour
museums
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
feel no excitement and hold the phone all
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
. The fact that
museums
 become interesting will provide
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students
motivation
Change preposition
with motivation
show examples
 to learn historical facts and interesting artefacts.
As a consequence
, it will help learners to find out more compelling and
museums
 can build lifelong interest.
Conversely
, those who believe that education should be the primary focus of
museums
 argue that these institutions have a responsibility to preserve and convey
knowledge
. When the
museums
 build too much entertainment it will create necessary problems which distract
students
. Meanwhile,
museums
 represent cultural heritage and historical values and provide spaces to learn about the past, understand cultures and gain insights into historical achievements. Maximising the amount of
knowledge
 that
students
 receive when visiting
museums
 will help them learn much more beneficial
knowledge
.
As a result
,
students
 can deeply understand more about historical achievements. In conclusion,
people
 who support the statement that
museums
 should be an entertainment area say that making
museums
 enjoyable can be a great attraction to visitors, and
museums
 can reinvest the extra income that they have towards better facilities.
However
, those who trust education must be the main focus of the
museums
 have a belief that
museums
 have the responsibility to protect and provide
knowledge
. In my opinion, it is true that
museums
 should provide a relaxing atmosphere to a degree to help
students
 and other visitors to learn effectively.
Submitted by nguyenhoanganhquan918 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied transitional phrases between points. This can help the essay flow more smoothly and enhance the reader’s understanding.
Task Achievement
Proofread for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to increase clarity. For example, the phrase "some people can not receive energy" could be more clearly expressed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion of both viewpoints. It is clear and concise.
Task Achievement
You provide a well-rounded discussion by presenting and elaborating on both sides of the argument, fulfilling the task requirements.
Task Achievement
The conclusion effectively summarizes the discussion and provides a clear personal opinion, which ties up the essay nicely.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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