Band-9 Samples: Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
In the modern era, there are the
people
who prefer to try alternative
therapies instead
of going to their doctors. This
essay believes that this
tendency is negative and in some cases, even dangerous. Doctors spend part of their life
studying and watching similar cases, most of their treatments are tested and they are safe. On top of that, mostFix the agreement mistake
lives
Change preposition
of
alternative
options come from the internet, therefore
, information
backgrounds are not checked, and they could cause collateral effects on patient's bodies.
To begin
with, Doctors studied for many years in order to have the knowledge and capabilities to cure illnesses. They spend part of their life studying and specializing themselves in order to be capable of fully understanding an illness and their
effects on our bodies. Correct pronoun usage
its
For instance
, in Argentina, each Doctor must spend at least 10 years studying, plus a few years practising in order to become a general doctor. During their path they were able to see and analyze different cases, therefore
, they are the indicated person to provide an illness's analysis and possible cures.
On the other hand
, the majority of the
Correct article usage
apply
alternative
medicines and therapies come from the internet, therefore
they are based on unchecked information
. All unchecked information
,
could be dangerous in the wrong hands, Remove the comma
apply
this
is because normal people
are not able to understand a medical condition, and if they do, could be in the wrong way. Let us imagine a 16-year-old kid reading on any website that the cure for his pain is mushrooms, a misunderstanding of the information
consumed by the kid could result in an intoxication. For example
, during the coronavirus time, the internet was full of alternative
cures, some of them super dangerous, and a lot of people
tried and died due to
misinformation.
To conclude
, this
essay not only agrees that is
a negative development,
it Add the word(s)
, but
also
encourages people
to avoid them and attend to a doctor for any questions they might haveSubmitted by tomasmutilva99 on
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Language
Ensure precision in language use. Minor errors like 'most their treatments' should be corrected to 'most of their treatments'.
Development
Expand on examples to add depth. For instance, in the paragraph about unchecked information, more concrete examples or studies can strengthen the point.
Tone
Maintain a more formal tone consistently. The phrase 'Let us imagine a 16-year-old kid' could be phrased more formally as 'Consider a scenario where a 16-year-old...'
Task Response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt with a clear stance on the issue.
Coherence
There is a logical structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, main points, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Main arguments are supported with relevant examples, aiding in better understanding of the points raised.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?