IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that professional workers such as Doctors and Teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent Do you Agree or Disagree? TASK 2

#people #workers #doctors #teachers #sports #entertainment #personalities
Some debate about the difference in wages between professional workers and
sports
 and entertainment personalities. I described my views in the following paragraphs. In my point of view,
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
doctors and
teachers
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 responsible for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future generations. Beginning with doctors who care for patients and find solutions for various health issues without spending their
time
 with family.
For example
, During COVID became a widespread disease and all other countries were
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
trying to find a solution for it and
finally
 ended up with a medicine in a short
time
 to protect the population. That medicine company hold a major position in the economy.
Next,
teachers
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
committed themselves to developing many students for society's growth.
for instance
,during board exams, many
teachers
 spend their leisure
time
 thinking about the lower-grade students' careers
subsequently
 making plans to motivate students to get better scores or grades.
Moreover
, Above mentioned area workers sacrifice their family
time
 and unwind
time
 to give the best service to those who all in need.
Thus
, wages
also
 drastically improved for them compared to other fields. On the other point of view,
Although
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the Contribution level of
Sports
 and entertainment
professionals
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 major in the economy not unlike healthcare
professionals
 and tutors. Many people are fascinated to involve themselves in TV shows and
sports
 activities which results in equal distribution of credits.
For example
, in Cricket, players
also
 get equal benefits like sponsors
such
 as Bet money, automobiles and fame. Depending on the tournament country's Economic status will improve.
Thus
, Helping others to progress personally and professionally is less than other
professionals
As a result
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
payment variations occur between two big
professionals
 depending on economic contribution and helping others to grow. I completely agree that the wage scale for
professionals
such
 as doctors and
teachers
 should be paid more than the
sports
 and entertainers.
This
 amount of variation mainly focuses on how much sacrifice you are making for others.
Submitted by kiruthikakannan.pid on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Present your arguments more clearly in the introduction. Briefly outline the main points that you will discuss in the essay.
coherence
Enhance coherence by improving the transitions between paragraphs. Use linking phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand'.
task achievement
Ensure the examples provided are specific and well-explained. Explain how each example supports your argument.
logical structure
Work on logical structuring: Organize your points so that each paragraph discusses one main idea, supported by examples and explanations.
task achievement
You have a clear stance and argument throughout the essay, which is great for task response.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant points and examples, indicating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence
You have a recognizable essay structure with an introduction and conclusion present.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Professional workers
  • Societal contribution
  • Scarcity
  • Market forces
  • Consumer demand
  • Role models
  • Economic impact
  • Revenue generation
  • Fair compensation
  • Social equity
  • Intrinsic rewards
  • Job satisfaction
  • Media rights
  • Merchandise sales
  • Public figures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: