In many countries, overweight and unhealthy children pose a problem. Some people say it’s the government’s responsibility to solve this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In
this
day and age, obesity in kids has become a broad issue in the general public. Some
people
believe that it is the
athorities
Correct your spelling
authorities
accountability to resolve
this
.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
it seems to me that,
this
is
also
the responsibility of
parents
the following essay will shed light on
this
view. On the one hand,
people
should recognize that The government plays a major role in the health of each citizen. A very important
poin
Correct your spelling
point
points
to consider
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
the
politicans
Correct your spelling
politicians
should invest in
sports
facilities for children
such
as investing in parks, playgrounds and public
sports
facilities
this
mean
Change the verb form
means
show examples
that youngsters have opportunities for healthy activities and playgrounds. A good example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
the youth have the opportunity to participate in activities with friends
instead
of watching TV all day. Another
poin
Correct your spelling
point
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
would like to make is that controlling young
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
diet is
also
important as consuming too much sugar will lead to cardiovascular diseases or obesity in
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
.
On the other hand
, Family responsibility is
also
an indispensable part in controlling young
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health.
Firstly
, Providing proper nutrition is an important part of checking a
childrent
Correct your spelling
child's
weight
parents
need to prepare nutritious meals that include vegetables, fruits and protein.
In addition
,
parents
should limit young
adults
Change noun form
adults'
adult's
show examples
snacks
such
as drinking carbonated drinks or eating processed foods.
Furthermore
,
Parents
should encourage children to exercise physically
such
as jogging,
playing
Correct word choice
and playing
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sports
. Organize family
sports
activities
such
as walking, cycling,
swimming
Correct word choice
and swimming
show examples
to create exercise habits for the younger generation.
To sum
up
Add a comma
up,
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the
government
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government's
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responsibility is very important in regulating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youth
Change noun form
youth's
show examples
health, but it cannot be denied that families should
also
have a role in controlling young
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
weight,
therefore
needs
Correct pronoun usage
there needs
show examples
to be appropriate measures to help children
be developed
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
healthily.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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Language
Work on grammatical accuracy and punctuation. There are several minor errors that affect clarity and readability. For instance, 'therefore needs to be appropriate measures' should be 'therefore, there need to be appropriate measures.'
Coherence
Ensure the logical flow and connection between ideas. Some sentences and ideas seem slightly disconnected, which might affect the overall readability of the essay. Use transition words effectively.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While the general points are clear, specific examples will provide better support and make your case more persuasive.
Task Achievement
You have identified the roles of both the government and families in addressing the issue, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.
Coherence
Your paragraphing is clear and helps in delineating different aspects of your argument, which is good for readability and coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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