In many countries, overweight and unhealthy children pose a problem. Some people say it’s the government’s responsibility to solve this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In
this
day and age, obesity in kids has become a broad issue in the general public. Some people
believe that it is the athorities
accountability to resolve Correct your spelling
authorities
this
. However
it seems to me that, Add a comma
However,
this
is also
the responsibility of parents
the following essay will shed light on this
view.
On the one hand, people
should recognize that The government plays a major role in the health of each citizen. A very important poin
to consider Correct your spelling
point
points
that
the Add a missing verb
is that
politicans
should invest in Correct your spelling
politicians
sports
facilities for children such
as investing in parks, playgrounds and public sports
facilities this
mean
that youngsters have opportunities for healthy activities and playgrounds. A good example Change the verb form
means
for
Change preposition
of
this
that
the youth have the opportunity to participate in activities with friends Add a missing verb
is that
instead
of watching TV all day. Another poin
Correct your spelling
point
i
would like to make is that controlling young Change the capitalization
I
people
diet is Change noun form
people's
also
important as consuming too much sugar will lead to cardiovascular diseases or obesity in adolescent
.
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
On the other hand
, Family responsibility is also
an indispensable part in controlling young people
health. Change noun form
people's
Firstly
, Providing proper nutrition is an important part of checking a childrent
weight Correct your spelling
child's
parents
need to prepare nutritious meals that include vegetables, fruits and protein. In addition
, parents
should limit young adults
snacks Change noun form
adults'
adult's
such
as drinking carbonated drinks or eating processed foods. Furthermore
, Parents
should encourage children to exercise physically such
as jogging, playing
Correct word choice
and playing
sports
. Organize family sports
activities such
as walking, cycling, swimming
to create exercise habits for the younger generation.
Correct word choice
and swimming
To sum
up
the Add a comma
up,
government
responsibility is very important in regulating Change noun form
government's
the
Correct article usage
apply
youth
health, but it cannot be denied that families should Change noun form
youth's
also
have a role in controlling young people
weight, Change noun form
people's
therefore
needs
to be appropriate measures to help children Correct pronoun usage
there needs
be developed
healthily.Wrong verb form
develop
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Language
Work on grammatical accuracy and punctuation. There are several minor errors that affect clarity and readability. For instance, 'therefore needs to be appropriate measures' should be 'therefore, there need to be appropriate measures.'
Coherence
Ensure the logical flow and connection between ideas. Some sentences and ideas seem slightly disconnected, which might affect the overall readability of the essay. Use transition words effectively.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While the general points are clear, specific examples will provide better support and make your case more persuasive.
Task Achievement
You have identified the roles of both the government and families in addressing the issue, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.
Coherence
Your paragraphing is clear and helps in delineating different aspects of your argument, which is good for readability and coherence.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?