IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

These days’ children are surrounded by electronic devices such as personal computers, tablet computers, and smart phones, and they learn to use them at a very early age. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this situation?

#days’ #children #devices #computers #tablet #phones #age #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowaday
Correct your spelling
Nowadays
show examples
 there are many
thechnological
Correct your spelling
technological
 inventions, that
are encompass
Change the verb form
encompass
show examples
 us and our
children
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 toddlers
are use
Change the verb form
use
show examples
 them better than their parents. In
this
Linking Words
 essay I'll try to understand if the advantages of
such
Linking Words
 status
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
 disadvantages. First and
formost
Correct your spelling
foremost
 - the advantages. The paramount of it is the accessibility of all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of information.
Children
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 possibility to study interesting things with minimal
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
. They can find
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unswers
Correct your spelling
answer
answers
 to their questions
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 platforms like Google, they can read
a books
Correct the article-noun agreement
books
a book
show examples
 on
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
sites or
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
e-books like Kindle.
Forthermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, they can have assistance with their school homework and exams from the GPT-Chat.
As well as
Linking Words
 that, there are so many games which are
aimd
Correct your spelling
aimed
said
 to
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 variety of skills for all ages.
Secondly
Linking Words
, today the world become smaller,
people
Correct word choice
and people
show examples
didn't
Wrong verb form
don't
show examples
 have to
stay
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 all their lives in the motherland. They are travelling,
setteling
Correct your spelling
settling
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different countries. So
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 have been moved to
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
, have an opportunity to connect to their relatives
due to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
apps like Zoom, WhatsApp etc. Today the situation from the movie "At
home alone
Correct your spelling
Home Alone
show examples
" wouldn't have taken place. The main character of the film would have called
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
his mom
due to
Linking Words
 the internet, and his family would have been back home.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 we have several disadvantages of
such
Linking Words
 technology development. The first of them, in my opinion, is the lack of face-to-face communication.
Children
Use synonyms
 have forgotten about vigorous games outside, they are playing with their friends
due to
Linking Words
 the internet without getting up from their sofa. The second disadvantage, that has
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 strong connection with the first one is the lack of
phisical
Correct your spelling
physical
 training and non-healthy
died
Replace the word
deaths
show examples
.
The obesity
Correct article usage
Obesity
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 the
epidemy
Correct your spelling
epidemic
show examples
 of the
21
Correct your spelling
21st
 century.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there is now a new
psyhiatric
Correct your spelling
psychiatric
 diagnosis of game addiction. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, I can say that because of the variety of advantages and
tough
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
disadvantages
Add a comma
disadvantages,
show examples
 we have to be flexible, and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
find the golden balance between technology,
live
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
communication and
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
life-style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
.
Submitted by anastasia on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Work on improving spelling and grammar to enhance readability. For instance, 'thechnological' should be 'technological', and 'answers' is misspelled as 'unswers'.
depth of argument
Clarify and expand on how the advantages and disadvantages you mention specifically impact children's development. This will add depth to your argument.
cohesion
Enhance transitions between paragraphs to ensure smoother flow of ideas. Phrases like 'Furthermore' and 'Secondly' can be better utilized to link ideas logically.
structure
Introduction and conclusion are clear and frame the essay well. The objective of weighing the advantages and disadvantages is clearly presented.
examples
Good use of specific examples, like mentioning Google and Kindle for educational resources and Zoom and WhatsApp for maintaining family connections.
engagement
You've brought in relevant comparisons and hypothetical scenarios, such as referencing 'Home Alone'. This makes the essay more engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: