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Band 4.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying medicines and treatments upon themselves instead of visiting their usual doctors. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#people #health #medicines #treatments #doctors #development
Today, self-treatment has become very popular. The population of those individuals who tend to self-treatment
instead
 of visiting
doctor
Correct article usage
a doctor
show examples
 have shown
escalating
Add an article
an escalating
show examples
rising
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
trend. In
this
 essay, I will examine both the positive and negative aspects of
this
 issue.
Also
, some reasons will provide to explain my disagreement with
this
 growing trend. There are many significant drawbacks that show strong steps should be taken to address
this
 issue.
Firstly
, lack of essential knowledge in ordinary people may lead to the worst effect on these patients.
For example
, a stomach cramp
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
occurred
due to
interaction
Correct article usage
an interaction
show examples
 between metronidazole tablets and alcoholic drinks. Surely,
doctor
Add an article
the doctor
a doctor
show examples
 will
notice
Verb problem
tell
show examples
 you to avoid
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
show examples
 of
alcholic
Correct your spelling
alcoholic
 drinks
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
treatment
Add an article
the treatment
show examples
 period.In fact, in
this
 approach, you not only feel better but
also
 likely get worse.
Secondly
, it may affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
society by neglecting
potential
Correct article usage
the potential
show examples
 impacts of
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
 chain on disease spreading.
For instance
, antibiotics have
proven
Add a missing verb
been proven
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 to kill
bacterias
Fix the agreement mistake
bacteria
show examples
.
While
 sore throat
caused
Add a missing verb
is caused
show examples
 by
virus
Add an article
a virus
show examples
 which will not
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
 affected by antibiotics.
Nevertheless
, some patients resort to these medications to cure their sore
throat
Fix the agreement mistake
throats
show examples
. Unfortunately, they don't know
it
Correct word choice
if it
show examples
 may lead to sustainability and resistance of bacteria against antibiotics.
As a result
 of
this
 mistake, antibiotic-resistant bacteria are spreading through
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 via human chains.
On the other hand
, as a positive aspect, paying no money for visiting
due to
 the power of free media and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 may come to
surface
Add an article
the surface
show examples
.
While
 we are constantly confronted with various data from media portrayals, more attention and research should be considered to
verifying
Wrong verb form
verify
show examples
 their sources ,because most of the data in the media are not reliable and are often based on personal experiences. All in all, these trends will likely get worse if people do not become aware of the effects of self-treatment on their bodies.It is important
knowing
Change the verb form
to know
show examples
 that all treatments provided by doctors
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 are based on scientific evidence and evaluation.Ultimately,The correct steps should always be taken to achieve the best results.
Submitted by ashkanasho on

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task achievement
You should provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you mentioned the use of antibiotics for a sore throat but didn't specify any consequences of this action.
coherence cohesion
You should strengthen your introduction and conclusion by clearly introducing your main points and summarizing them effectively. Right now, they are somewhat vague and lack a detailed overview.
task achievement
Your essay effectively identifies and explores both positive and negative aspects of self-treatment, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized into distinct paragraphs, each covering a specific idea or argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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