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Band 2.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before . Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments . Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people . To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
Nowadays , in many places , adults are more than
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
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.
Furthermore
 ,
birth
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the birth
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 rate is decreasing. Many people think it is
problem
Correct article usage
a problem
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 for society,
however
 , others disagree
to
Change preposition
on
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this
 point . I think
although
 there are several advantages of old people , it can have some
disadvantages
 as well On the one
hand
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hand,
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 there are some benefits of
ageing
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the ageing
an ageing
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 population.
This
Correct determiner usage
The
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 main reason is their experiences and skills . They have many skills
with
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in
show examples
lives
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life
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. They can role -
model
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models
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to children .
Moreover
 , they can help to own family . In my opinion , these advantages are very useful for all of us .
Also
 , they become very clever
for
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in
show examples
 advising
to
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apply
show examples
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
.
On the other hand
, it has several
disadvantages
 , too . One of
major
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the major
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disadvantages
 of
is
Correct pronoun usage
this is
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 harmful
for
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to
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government
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the government
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 of financial.
For example
 , after they
getting
Wrong verb form
get
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 on , they begin becoming ill.
This
 is very harmful
for
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to
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family
Add an article
the family
a family
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 budget , too.
Also
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Also,
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 they cannot hard work and they just own a lot of
employments
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employment
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.
At
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As
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result
Add an article
the result
a result
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 ,
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
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 cannot work for themselves .
To sum up
 , I think
ageing
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the ageing
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 of
population
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the population
show examples
 is very useful . Because
,
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apply
show examples
they have a lot of
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 advantages of
this
 will outweigh the
disadvantages
.
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on

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task achievement
Your essay could be improved by integrating more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you might include real-world scenarios or statistics to illustrate the benefits and disadvantages of an aging population more vividly.
coherence cohesion
It's important to make sure that your arguments are clearly structured and logically flow from one to another. You might consider using more transition words and phrases to connect your ideas, which can help improve the logical structure of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that more explicitly outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph deals with a single main idea would help improve clarity.
complete response
Your essay successfully identifies both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population, which shows a balanced perspective on the issue.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your viewpoint and reinforces your main argument, which is an essential part of a well-structured essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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