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Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people Do you think the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
Nowadays, in some countries, the higher ratio of the youth in their population structure as opposed to the older-age group is said to be sparking controversy.
While
 I acknowledge that there are some pitfalls associated with
this
 situation, I would argue that the main merits are more substantial. Boosting economic growth
as well as
 lessening public health care will be discussed as the two major positive points followed by the issue of employment as the main drawback. The large number of young people, on the one hand, could contribute to strengthening the economic base.
This
 is
no
Correct your spelling
not
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 to say that
such
majority
Correct article usage
a majority
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 age gamut neutralizes the role of other
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 in the financial boom, but
this
 rate of youth populace would accelerate the economic cycle's thriving.
This
 being the case, having more energy and creativity,
this
 young generation would seem to bring more
economy
Replace the word
economic
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 flourishing to
a
Remove the article
apply
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society in lieu of older people.
Thus
, in the long run, the more proportion of
this
 spectrum gets involved in activities namely infrastructure and services, the better results will be accomplished. Supplementary to
this
, if the new generation holds
lion's
Correct article usage
the lion's
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 share of a demographic percentage in a country who are less susceptible to
aging-associated
Change the spelling
ageing-associated
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 maladies the very epitome of which are diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma and so on in comparison to senior
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
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, the sheer cost of health care issue can be obviated, albeit no exonerating the government from its public health commitment, and its allotted budget could invest on other parts. These capabilities,
hence
, would lead to financial prosperity.
On the other hand
, one of the potential negatives could be the issue of employment.
This
 seems to lead the policymakers
painting into
Wrong verb form
to paint
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 a corner for job creation.
However
, the certainty
such
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of such
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 a thread is questionable inasmuch as the provision of job opportunities can be provided through measurements
such
 as
collaborating
Replace the word
collaboration
show examples
 between university and industry and focusing on Artificial Intelligence to generate a wide range of technology-related careers. These actions,
accordingly
, could minimize the risk of unemployment. To recapitulate, regarding the controversy over whether young adults could bring more benefits or detriments to a nation, the demerit of
feasibility
Add an article
the feasibility
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 of unemployment as a stumbling block on the path to youth population would seem to be overshadowed by the plus points of
burgeoning
Add an article
the burgeoning
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 of
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
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 economy
in addition
 to lowering high medical cost burdens.
Submitted by m.ali.gholamalian on

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coherence cohesion
Try to simplify your vocabulary and sentence structures for better clarity. Overly complex language can sometimes make your arguments harder to follow.
task achievement
While you’ve included some specific examples, try to use more concrete, real-world scenarios to strengthen your arguments. This makes your essay more relatable and compelling.
coherence cohesion
Although your ideas are clear and organized, make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Sometimes the jump between points can feel abrupt.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a solid introduction and conclusion, effectively summarizing the key points and giving a clear stance on the issue.
task achievement
The arguments you presented are well thought out and address both advantages and disadvantages, providing a balanced view on the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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