IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that public celebrations like national days and festivals are a waste of money. They are of the opinion that people should spend money on more important things. Do you agree or disagree? Support your arguments with examples from your own experience.

#people #celebrations #festivals #waste #money #support #arguments
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Public
celebration
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrations
show examples
 are the unique symbols of every culture.
However
, there is always debate open whether they are wasting
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time or not. I utterly disagree, and I believe these types of
celebration
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrations
show examples
 are essential. In the rest of
this
 essay, I will talk about their vital role in our social lives and in the tourism industry.
Firstly
, sociality is one of
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 characteristics, which is
also
 really necessary for our mental health.
For example
, our ancestors used to gather together for every celebration and some of them even used to live in a large amount. But, unfortunately,
due to
 modern life nowadays we prefer living alone. In person, I can visit my relatives only on holidays.
While
 technology damages our social life, festivals revive it
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and assemble people around.
Thus
, festivals have an undeniable impact on our lives.
Secondly
, the tourism industry
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 one of the important sources of a country’s income.
For instance
, China and India catch
attention
Correct article usage
the attention
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their national carnivals and make a lot of
money
 annually
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 their celebrations.
Hence
, it makes it clear,
not
Correct word choice
that not
show examples
 only these celebrations do not waste
money
, but
also
, they are
a
Rephrase
also a
show examples
way of making
money
 for their country. In summary, national celebrations are important through recovering our social lives and making
money
 by its attractions.
Therefore
, contrary to the common belief, they are fundamental parts of our culture and daily life. Every government should pay more attention and spend more
money
 on national holidays, which would have benefits for them.
Submitted by axel00lee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Try to diversify your sentence structures to make your writing more engaging and fluent.
task response
Expand on your examples to make your arguments more convincing. For instance, you can mention specific festivals and their impacts on social life and economy.
coherence
Work on improving the flow of your ideas by using a wider range of linking words and phrases. This can make the text more coherent and easier to follow.
organization
You've structured the essay well with clear paragraphs focusing on distinct points.
organization
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
task response
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing both social and economic benefits of public celebrations.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Public celebrations,
  • Foster,
  • National identity,
  • Societal bonds,
  • Cultural heritage,
  • Economic stimulus,
  • Tourism,
  • Revenue,
  • Seasonal employment,
  • Educational opportunities,
  • Tradition,
  • Mental health,
  • Well-being,
  • Misallocation of resources,
  • Public services,
  • Inclusivity,
  • Environmental impact,
  • Littering,
  • Pollution,
  • Carbon footprint,
  • Cost-effective,
  • Community-driven
What to do next:
Look at other essays: