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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie chart shows how dance classes are positioned in Australian town while the bar chart compares various kinds of dance classes which are being attended by young people.

The pie chart shows how dance classes are positioned in Australian town while the bar chart compares various kinds of dance classes which are being attended by young people.
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Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that private
studios
Use synonyms
 are dominant in having
dance
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classes
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.
Whereas
Linking Words
 ballet has become dominant among children under 11,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 way of dancing has more
members
Use synonyms
 whose ages are between 11 and 16 years old. It is clear from the pie chart that almost half of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
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 are located in Private
studios
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 and private
studios
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 have the preponderance which accounts for almost half(48%) of all
dance
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classes
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. School halls contribute
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 nearly one-fourth(24
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
) of
portion
Add an article
a portion
the portion
show examples
 of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
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. Community halls have 18
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of all
dance
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classes
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while
Linking Words
 less contribution is made by college-based
studios
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 with 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
According to
Linking Words
 the bar chart below, most of
ballet
Add an article
the ballet
show examples
 class
members
Use synonyms
 are children under 11 with 600
members
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 but when it comes to older
members
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, the numbers
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
dwindled to about 300. To compare, the majority of young people (over 500) are choosing modern
dance
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classes
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while
Linking Words
 the number of
members
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 under 11 is 300. There is a more balanced number of attendants in tap
dance
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classes
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 with approximately 450 for each category.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words studios, dance, classes, members with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the first paragraph.
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