IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many young people now know more about international pop and movie stars than famous people in the history of their countries. What are the causes? Give solutions to increase the number of people to know about famous people in history.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, a lot of young
people
Use synonyms
 have a better
knowledge
Use synonyms
 related to international actors or actresses rather than the famous individuals from their countries'
history
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
it is clear that
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon has continually happened because
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
myriads reason
Fix the agreement mistake
myriad reasons
show examples
, but two main factors would be the advancement of technology and lack of patriotism
feeling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
among youngsters.
In addition
Linking Words
, two ways that can be used to overcome
this
Linking Words
 problem are adding the number of hours of
Use synonyms
history related
Add a hyphen
history-related
show examples
 subjects in school,
as well as
Linking Words
 utilizing mass media
such
Linking Words
 as TV to make a trivia program regarding
Use synonyms
history
Add an article
the history
show examples
 of their
country
Use synonyms
, which will be
further
Linking Words
 elaborate on the following paragraphs. The advancement of technology that
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
happened several decades ago has influenced our younger generations as a high-tech-literate individual.
For example
Linking Words
, many young generations have a great capability of using handphones, laptops, and
also
Linking Words
 the
internet
Use synonyms
. The
Use synonyms
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 of
things
Capitalize word
Things
show examples
 has played a significant role to them, particularly
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 knowing what happens overseas,
such
Linking Words
 as knowing the
new comer
Correct your spelling
newcomer
show examples
 actresses or actors, their achievements in the entertainment industry, and even their gossip or private lives.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon has happened because the
internet
Use synonyms
 can bring
real time
Add a hyphen
real-time
show examples
 news to other countries,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
particularly young individuals.
In addition
Linking Words
, research has shown that
generally
Add a comma
generally,
show examples
 youngsters have a lack of patriotism. Particularly in Indonesia, they do not even know who is the founding father of the
country
Use synonyms
, and many cannot mention the five principles of the
country
Use synonyms
. To overcome
this
Linking Words
 matter, I strongly believe that adding
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 portion of
Use synonyms
history related
Add a hyphen
history-related
show examples
 subjects in school could work well. Knowing the roots of the
country
Use synonyms
, the origin, and what has happened in the past could retain the negative impact of technology
such
Linking Words
 as the
internet
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that young
people
Use synonyms
 have a great balance of
knowledge
Use synonyms
 between the
history
Use synonyms
 of the
country
Use synonyms
, and what is happening right now around the globe.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the government could
also
Linking Words
 regulate some rules regarding television programs.
For instance
Linking Words
, each
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 station should have a program related to the
history
Use synonyms
 of the
country
Use synonyms
 every week, not just at a certain time
such
Linking Words
 as
independence day
Correct your spelling
Independence Day
show examples
. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adding
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 portion of
Use synonyms
history related
Add a hyphen
history-related
show examples
 subjects in school and giving the young generations additional information from television programs could tackle the phenomena related to young
people
Use synonyms
's
knowledge
Use synonyms
 about famous
people
Use synonyms
 from their
country
Use synonyms
's
history
Use synonyms
, and balancing the
knowledge
Use synonyms
 to know what is happening around the world today.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure to maintain a logical flow in your arguments. For example, instead of jumping from one idea to another, try to create a smooth transition between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
Enhance your essay with more specific and diverse examples. This will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
Try to expand on your points with more depth. This can involve discussing potential counterarguments or further elaborating on how the solutions can be implemented.
introduction conclusion present
You've clearly stated your opinion in the introduction and provided an overview of the causes and solutions.
logical structure
The essay is generally well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are clear and easy to follow. The use of specific terms such as 'advancement of technology' and 'lack of patriotism' helps to clarify your main points.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: