IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many people believe that watching a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #live #performance #event #television
Some individuals are of the opinion that it is more satisfying to watch a live
performance
 than
watch
Fix the infinitive
to watch
show examples
 a similar event on technological devices
such
 as TV. From my standpoint,
this
 statement is agreeable, since it helps to gain experience and bridge the gap between people.
This
 essay will expound upon
this
 by providing compelling reasons and practical examples.
Firstly
, it is undeniable that live
performance
 brings numerous benefits to the audience. One of
that
Correct pronoun usage
those that
show examples
 can be listed is bridging the gap between people. In recent years, the young generations tend to spend most of their time on learning and working without relaxing.
Thus
, live
performance
 is an occasion for them to enjoy a
performance
, meet their friend
as well as
 build connections aiming to forge valuable relationships so that they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 be supported whenever they are in trouble. An example which relevant to
this
 situation is Vietnam, one of the countries with the largest number of workers, citizens are busy very often, so they have the highest rate of reducing stress by participating in music festivals.
Secondly
, Learning which contributes to the advantages of
this
 issue is a decisive element. Specifically, there are tons of videos on television that have been edited to serve the audience;
however
, they could not witness how professional a performer is.
Therefore
, it is beneficial to those who watch real performances
due
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to
gaining
Wrong verb form
gain
show examples
 valuable experience and
applying
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
 it to reality to possess more skills in order to access lucrative career opportunities.
For instance
, Son Tung who is the most professional singer in Vietnam lost his voice when he sang in a night concert, but he still looked for a way to recover his voice and satisfy the audience with a song he wrote
along with
 sharing methods to fix the voice. In conclusion, I think that those who disagree with
this
 statement have their own understandable argument.
Nonetheless
, from my personal perspective, watching a live
performance
 is indeed beneficial and enjoyable because of
helping
Wrong verb form
helps
show examples
 adolescents forge valuable relationships and the ability to access lucrative career opportunities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from clearer and more varied transitions between paragraphs and ideas. For example, words like 'Additionally', 'Moreover' or 'Furthermore' could help guide the reader more smoothly from one point to the next.
task achievement
Some arguments need to be developed more fully with specific examples or detailed explanations. For instance, more elaboration on how live performances help bridge relationships would be helpful.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a consistent level of formality in your language. Some phrases come across as informal or awkward, such as 'as well as build connections aiming'.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your essay effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples that support the main points, such as the story involving Son Tung.
task achievement
You offer well-rounded views, acknowledging counterarguments while still supporting your own perspective.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: