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Band 4.5

Some students take 1 year of between finishing school and going to universities,in order to travel or to work. Do you think advantages outwiegh the disadvantages?

#students #year #school #universities #travel #work #outwiegh
An average of one year after school completion is needed before immigration or securing a job. I believe there are more benefits compared to
the
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apply
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drawbacks and
on
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in
show examples
this
 essay
Add a comma
,
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I am going to discuss
about
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apply
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them.
To begin
 with, most of the
youngstars
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youngsters
young stars
 complete their studies at
an
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the
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 age of 16-18 years.
On
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During
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this
 period, they have no exposure
about
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to
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 life outside school and they normally rely on their guardians or parents for guidance. A duration of some months after studies will enable them
develop
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to develop
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 independence and clearly understand what they really want in life.
For instance
,
At
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In
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 the village of Soweto in Uganda, a survey done by the church on the number of youths who were jobless indicated that a large number had completed university but they were yet to secure a job or move abroad because they thought they were still young and needed more time with their siblings at
home
.
Nonetheless
, their mentors believe that they are too young to be released from the
home
 settings because many
work stations
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workstations
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 will be situated far away from
home
 or if
its
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it's
it is
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 migrating to a foreign land if they do not have relatives it means they will be residing alone which worries them
as well as
 their parents.
For example
, a study conducted in 1990 at the
Cocacola
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Coca-Cola
 company showed that 85% of the newly hired
staffs
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staff
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 who had no history of previous employment
aged
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were aged
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 between 23 to 25 years.
This
 showed that most of them took a minimum of one or two years before joining the company.
However
,the scholars can finish
with
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apply
show examples
their education and work
direct
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directly
show examples
 or immigrate without necessarily having to wait at
home
 because there are those who start schooling at late ages
therefore
 they will think they are wasting
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of time staying at
home
 after studies. But, I
Believe
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believe
show examples
 that duration matters
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 in promoting independence and understanding clearly what they want.
Submitted by janenjeru6 on

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coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Make sure each paragraph flows naturally to the next. Also, avoid repeating similar points to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay comprehensively addresses the topic and provides relevant examples and ideas. However, you need to clearly compare the advantages and disadvantages, rather than just mentioning them. Strengthen your arguments with more specific examples and data.
task achievement
Make sure you address both sides of the argument more effectively. Currently, the disadvantages section is less developed than the advantages section.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are well-supported with evidence. While your examples are relevant, they could be clearer and more directly linked to your main arguments. For instance, specifying how a gap year can help in developing independence could be explained in more detail.
task achievement
You have a strong understanding of the topic and have provided a well-rounded response. Your essay has addressed the question clearly and thoughtfully.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets up the essay well, providing a clear statement of your opinion. The conclusion ties everything together effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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