IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Chidren nowdays watch significantly more television than in the past, which reduces their activity levels accordingly. why is this the case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

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Entertainment
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 comes in many forms, and one of the most well-known ones is
television
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, which
children
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 nowadays love to watch.
Although
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 watching
television
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 for
children
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 helps to entertain them, it is said that it reduces their
level
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 of
activity
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.
Hence
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, I will explain the reason why
this
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 situation may happen and present my opinion on how to persuade
children
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 to do a higher
level
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 of
activity
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. Older generations usually play toys and traditional games.
In contrast
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, newer generations have recently been introduced to
television
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. The trend has led
children
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 nowadays to reduce their
activity
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 levels as watching
television
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 will result in them doing fewer physical
activities
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. By watching
television
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, they are only stuck to watch programs on screens that
last
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 for hours.
Consequently
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, they tend to be distracted, become lazy and avoid doing other
entertainment
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such
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 as playing sports and hanging out with friends which may increase their
level
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 of
activity
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. Bad habits like these should be removed from
children
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.
Therefore
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, I suggest parents should get involved with their
children
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's
entertainment
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 and limit their access to
television
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.
For example
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, by giving time to watch
television
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 only on weekends for 2 hours.
In addition
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, Parents too should apply their
children
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 to communities and extracurriculars to provide them with new experiences and create new friends. With
activities
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 that require movements and interactions, they are prone to have a higher physical
activity
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level
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.
To conclude
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, parents should get involved with
children
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’s
activities
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 to ensure that they have a balanced life between their
entertainment
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 and their physical
activities
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.

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job addressing the prompt and providing potential solutions. However, to improve your score, you could add more specific examples to illustrate your points. For instance, mention specific extracurricular activities that children can join or describe particular experiences you have encountered related to this issue.
task achievement
Your main points are generally clear, but they could be more comprehensively developed. Providing more detailed explanations and evidence will help to strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, there are areas where the flow of ideas can be improved. Ensure that each paragraph naturally leads to the next, and consider using more cohesive devices such as 'furthermore,' 'additionally,' and 'however' to enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay's introduction and conclusion are effective, but you could make your conclusion a bit more robust by summarizing the main points more explicitly and reinforcing your stance.
task achievement
The introduction is clear and sets the stage for the discussion effectively. It succinctly presents both the issue and the proposed solutions, which makes it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your language use is strong throughout the essay, and you articulate your points clearly. This helps in making your argument understandable and persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • proliferation
  • accessible
  • double-income families
  • convenient
  • urbanization
  • leisure preferences
  • peer pressure
  • screen time
  • engaging
  • promote
  • tailored
  • educational campaigns
  • lifestyle choices
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