IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is a common belief
such
Linking Words
 as today's modern world children are
exposedto alot
Correct your spelling
exposed to a lot
 of pressure to achieve academic success,
therefore
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 plenty of
people
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 believe that physical education and cookery should be taken off from school curriculum.I completely disagree with
this
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 statement.
Firstly
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, physical education and cookery are really important
children's
Change preposition
for children's
show examples
 future lives. As every child grows up, they will continue their
life
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 independently.
Thus
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 basic needs like knowing how to cook and taking care of themselves may play a vital role in their future career and
life
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.
For example
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, in my university
life
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, I
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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experienced
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
young
people
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 who struggled to do basic chores and how
to
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apply
show examples
prepare a meal. Their undisciplined household
life
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 even had a detrimental impact on their academic
life
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.
Secondly
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, non-academic
subjects
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 are essential in terms of staying healthy. Today world is full of danger, it might be pandemics or unhealthy food ranges, to be aware and protect themselves from
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this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
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 of dire situations youngsters should be prepared in advance.
For instance
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,in the time of the pandemic lockdown, medics really struggled to help patients because
people
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's body conditions were very poor
,
Remove the comma
apply
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since most
people
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 did not know how to build
a strong immune systems
Correct the article-noun agreement
a strong immune system
strong immune systems
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. In that case, physical education and cookery were the most important
subjects
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,since maintaining good health is directly linked to these
subjects
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.
To conclude
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, despite the fact that success in an academic
life
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 might be important to youngsters future
life
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. We should be more careful and considerate
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
practical
Correct article usage
the practical
show examples
 benefits of non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Ensure to avoid over-generalizations and provide balanced arguments. The essay is leaning too heavily on a single perspective.
coherence cohesion
Avoid frequent minor spelling and grammar errors, such as 'exposedto', 'alot', 'today's modern world', 'dire situations', 'build a strong immune systems'. Proofreading can help eliminate such mistakes.
coherence cohesion
Use more sophisticated sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance clarity and coherence. Avoid repetitive vocabulary like 'young people' and 'children' by using synonyms such as 'youth', 'students', or 'adolescents'.
coherence cohesion
Break long paragraphs into smaller ones for better readability and clearer argumentation flow.
task achievement
The essay successfully covers the main points and provides relevant examples, especially with personal experience in university and the impact of the pandemic.
coherence cohesion
The concluding paragraph effectively summarizes the main argument and provides a clear opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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