There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a common belief
such
as today's modern world children are exposedto alot
of pressure to achieve academic success,Correct your spelling
exposed to a lot
therefore
plenty of people
believe that physical education and cookery should be taken off from school curriculum.I completely disagree with this
statement.
Firstly
, physical education and cookery are really important children's
future lives. As every child grows up, they will continue their Change preposition
for children's
life
independently. Thus
basic needs like knowing how to cook and taking care of themselves may play a vital role in their future career and life
. For example
, in my university life
, I had
experienced Unnecessary verb
apply
that
young Correct word choice
apply
people
who struggled to do basic chores and how to
prepare a meal. Their undisciplined household Fix the infinitive
apply
life
even had a detrimental impact on their academic life
.
Secondly
, non-academic subjects
are essential in terms of staying healthy. Today world is full of danger, it might be pandemics or unhealthy food ranges, to be aware and protect themselves from this kind
of dire situations youngsters should be prepared in advance. Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
For instance
,in the time of the pandemic lockdown, medics really struggled to help patients because people
's body conditions were very poor,
since most Remove the comma
apply
people
did not know how to build a strong immune systems
. In that case, physical education and cookery were the most important Correct the article-noun agreement
a strong immune system
strong immune systems
subjects
,since maintaining good health is directly linked to these subjects
.
To conclude
, despite the fact that success in an academic life
might be important to youngsters future life
. We should be more careful and considerate to
Change preposition
of
practical
benefits of non-academic Correct article usage
the practical
subjects
.Submitted by Teo Halimov on
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task achievement
Ensure to avoid over-generalizations and provide balanced arguments. The essay is leaning too heavily on a single perspective.
coherence cohesion
Avoid frequent minor spelling and grammar errors, such as 'exposedto', 'alot', 'today's modern world', 'dire situations', 'build a strong immune systems'. Proofreading can help eliminate such mistakes.
coherence cohesion
Use more sophisticated sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance clarity and coherence. Avoid repetitive vocabulary like 'young people' and 'children' by using synonyms such as 'youth', 'students', or 'adolescents'.
coherence cohesion
Break long paragraphs into smaller ones for better readability and clearer argumentation flow.
task achievement
The essay successfully covers the main points and provides relevant examples, especially with personal experience in university and the impact of the pandemic.
coherence cohesion
The concluding paragraph effectively summarizes the main argument and provides a clear opinion.