Some people think that the education system should only focus on preparing students for employment, while others believe it has other important functions. Discuss both sides and then give your own opinion.
Some argue that the school curriculum should focus on
equiping
the learner with skills, attitude and knowledge to be utilized when at work but some believe that education can help in other vital areas like personal growth and development. Correct your spelling
equipping
This
essay will discuss on
both views and I will give my opinion.
Change preposition
apply
To begin
with, most people study in order to secure a high paying
job. Add a hyphen
high-paying
This
explains why we have different subjects to be tackled by the
scholars. Correct article usage
apply
For example
, students who want to become accountants in future are supposed to perform well in mathematics whereas
those wo
want to become lawyers have to perform well in literature. Correct your spelling
who
This
makes the teachers to
guide them depending on their capability.
Change the verb form
apply
However
, there are also
people who want to be self employed
after school completion. Add a hyphen
self-employed
This
means they only go to school for formality but
not to achieve excellent results but Correct word choice
apply
to
for personal growth and development because they can not start businesses when young. Change preposition
apply
For instance
, despite Bob Mark being one of the richest man
in Zambia he performed poorly in all the grades during Change to a plural noun
men
schooling
period. Correct article usage
the schooling
This
shows high marks do not determine what one will become afterwards and also
time can change ones'
objectives.
In conclusion, Change noun form
one's
i
support that every academic system should focus on teaching people how they will conduct themselves when employed and be professors to assist Change the capitalization
I
companys
Correct your spelling
companies
to meet
the set target.Change preposition
in meeting
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task achievement
Your essay does address both sides of the discussion, but it could be improved by offering more balanced arguments. Currently, more emphasis is placed on the employment aspect of education, and the counterargument about personal development is weaker in comparison. A more equal distribution of points would enhance the argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph flows more smoothly into the next. Using transition words and phrases can help with this. Additionally, ensure that all points in a single paragraph are directly related to the topic sentence of that paragraph.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences for each paragraph. For example, the second paragraph could start with a sentence clearly indicating that it is discussing the perspective that education should prepare students for employment. This will guide the reader and improve clarity.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively outlines the two sides of the debate, which prepares the reader for what to expect in the body of the essay.
supported main points
You provided specific examples, such as the one about Bob Mark, which helps to illustrate your points and makes your argument more concrete.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.
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