IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

in many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Discuss the causes and suggest solutions for the problem

#countries #children
In
this
 day and age, the young tend to be obese and have many diseases. Numerous studies suggest that
this
 trend is mainly because of lifestyle.
Nevertheless
, several solutions should be taken into consideration to change these oppositional attitudes. Behavior is a primary reason why illness and overweight are serious problems for
kids
. First of all, as we can see, the more modern the world is, the more convenient life is and fast
food
 has become the most popular global
food
due to
 its cheap price and convenience. It is
also
 a favourite
food
 with youngsters but its disadvantage is it causes fat and has no nutrition for
kids
.
For example
, in a recent survey, researchers found that present teenagers are fatter than in the past when fast
food
 had not yet been created.
Furthermore
, a sedentary lifestyle is a major factor in health issues . Children who are addicted to staying at home and watching television all the time
instead
 of playing outdoor games
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 are prone to health issues. If they do not do any exercises for a long time, they will be lazy and not have any motivation to do other activities. It is not good for their mind and body.
As a result
, a bad eating habit is a harmful factor for the children's growth.
However
, measures must be taken by the government and parents to solve
this
 problem for
kids
.
Firstly
, some policies should be offered by the government to encourage people to consume healthy and full of nutritious
food
instead
 of fast
snack
Fix the agreement mistake
snacks
show examples
.
Moreover
, authorities should encourage youngsters to take regular exercise by providing facilities in each community.
Secondly
, parents ought to guide the
kids
 on how to keep their bodies healthy, eating healthy
food
 at regular times of the day and adopting a fitness regime to protect themselves from harmful factors outside. In conclusion, only by addressing the bad lifestyles will the negative of children be changed.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay slightly lacks clarity in some points, particularly in the explanation of the reasons behind children's unhealthy behavior and the corresponding solutions. Make sure to clearly articulate how each solution addresses a specific problem to improve the clarity of comprehensive ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a smooth flow of ideas by using more linking words and phrases to aid the transition between paragraphs and sections. This will help enhance the logical structuring, leading to stronger coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay successfully identifies key reasons why children are becoming overweight and unhealthy, and provides relevant examples and solutions.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are present and adequately summarize the main ideas of the essay.
coherence cohesion
There are clear, supported main points that contribute effectively to the overall argument. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the problem or solution, which strengthens the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: