IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

An increasing number of larger shopping areas, malls and department stores are leading to the decline of smaller corner shops.What are the advantages and disadvantages of shopping in larger shopping center rather than smaller, more traditional shops? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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It is contended that the massive resurgence of modern supermarkets is the main factor affecting citizen interests in traditional markets.
This
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 essay will elaborate on why I staunchly endorse the argument, including the advantages and disadvantages of buying goods in a
supermarket
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 reviewed from a
price
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 and stuff availability perspective. First and foremost, in line with globalization effects that affect many aspects, including the economic sector. The government builds vast and various types of department stores in either urban or rural areas.
Thus
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, their initiatives positively impact citizen needs;
for instance
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, in availability and stock aspects, when people buy goods in a
supermarket
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, they have many choices to select their needs because the
supermarket
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 has various and complete stock rather than in the traditional
market
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.
In addition
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, exploring a department store is more comfortable than a small corner traditional shop because it is much cleaner and has a well-managed display.
Subsequently
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,
besides
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 the advantages, we should consider the disadvantages,
such
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 as the
price
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 perspective. Compared to the traditional
market
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, the conventional
market
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's
price
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 is more flexible than that of the
supermarket
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, so we can easily ask the seller for a lower
price
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.
Furthermore
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, there is no tax in smaller corner shops, which makes the
price
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 cheaper.
To conclude
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, there can be no doubt that buying goods in modern supermarkets has various advantages compared to traditional markets. I strongly agree that shopping in department stores has a positive impact, but sometimes we can explore the conventional
market
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 if we are bored shopping there and can take part in supporting the low-middle seller.

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task achievement
While the essay does address the prompt and provides a clear response, adding more specific examples would enhance the argument. Including real-world instances can make the essay more relatable and convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured and well-organized. However, try to avoid overly complex sentences which might confuse the reader. For instance, the first sentence of the first body paragraph can be simplified for better readability.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and well-defined. To improve further, ensure that the conclusion summarizes the key points made in the body paragraphs more explicitly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and relevant introduction. The main points are introduced logically and coherently.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively sums up the argument and provides a clear stance on the issue.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good balance between the advantages and disadvantages of shopping in larger shopping centers versus smaller traditional shops.
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