IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
Some argue that making it expensive to buy fattening
foods
 for
people
 can reduce the level of
obesity
.
While
 increasing the price of high-calorie
foods
 seems to have a positive impact on reducing the level of
obesity
, I totally disagree with the statement because rich
people
 still can afford it and
this
 method may not be the best as there are some better alternatives. The idea of raising the cost of high-calorie
foods
 can be unacceptable in some respects. First and foremost, it can be too expensive for only the poor.
This
 implies that if the costs were too high, most poor
people
 would reject buying and prefer buying cheaper and healthier
foods
 that calories are not rich in,
whereas
 the rich still can buy junk
foods
 and become obese. More precisely, many overweight
people
 are rich; so raising the price may not be significant for them as they can purchase even at a high cost.
As a result
,
this
 idea may not be a solution to
this
 problem.
Secondly
, there are a lot of solutions that are more useful to reduce the rate of
obesity
, one of them being improvements in regulation.
In other words
, governments can tackle
this
 issue by boosting the taxes for the cafes or restaurants where calorie-dense
foods
 are sold. An increase in taxes can encourage the owners of cafes or restaurants not to sell calorie-dense
foods
 because they may not want to break even or go bankrupt.
Moreover
, it can have a positive impact on
governments’
Correct your spelling
government’s
show examples
 income from taxes.
As a consequence
, the rate of selling fattening
foods
 can be diminished
as well as
 the level of
obesity
. All things considered,
although
 raising the price of high-calorie
foods
 may help reduce
obesity
 levels, I strongly disagree with
this
 approach because wealthy individuals can still afford these
foods
, and there are more effective alternatives available to solve the problem.
Submitted by minimix1203 on

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task achievement
To improve the essay, ensure you consistently provide relevant examples to support your points. While the essay touches on significant ideas, it could benefit from more concrete examples or statistical evidence to strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Although the logical flow of ideas is good, consider varying your sentence structures and avoiding repetition of phrases to enhance readability and engagement.
task achievement
The essay provides a well-rounded argument, acknowledging both sides of the issue while providing clear reasoning for the stance taken.
coherence cohesion
Logical organization of ideas helps in guiding the reader through the arguments smoothly, demonstrating a strong understanding of essay structure.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively used to frame the discussion, creating a cohesive and well-rounded response to the prompt.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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